While most children are carefree and don’t think of the consequences of many of the things they do daily, there are those who can’t help but feel overwhelmed with worry and fear of what’s next.

Anxiety can strike at any age, and research shows that multiple factors come into play when a child starts experiencing anxiety. The genes, the physiology of the brain, the temperament, the environment, as well as some post-traumatic events – they can all affect the child to experience anxiety from an early age.

Anxiety is not a thing to turn a blind eye to and every parent with an anxious child knows that. Adults struggling with anxiety find it very difficult to face. A child feels completely disabled and destroyed by it.

This kind of worrying over the tiniest of things that look completely harmless, such as a ride to school in the bus, is debilitating for the child.

In fact, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America reports that anxiety affects 40 million adults and 1 in 8 children in the United States alone.

The only person an anxious child can relate to and speak to about it openly is their parents (sometimes it can even be only one of the parents). So, how to help this child out? There is no single solution for every child.

In fact, the approaches vary from child to child, but there are some things you could try to help your child cope with anxious attacks and learn to control and eventually overcome anxiety.

Renee Jain, chief storyteller at GoZen, an anxiety relief program for kids, has some very useful advice on this. She proposes these 9 very effective coping skills parents with anxious children should try.

1.Stop reassuring your child

Many of your child’s worries are about things they shouldn’t worry about, and you know it. However, every reassuring falls on deaf ears when they start overthinking the problem that has popped in their head.

Why? As Jain explains, during an anxiety attack, the brain starts dumping chemicals and starts responding to the environment as if the person is in genuine danger, thus transitioning into survival mode.

In this state, the brain puts the logical part on hold and more automated emotions take over, in order to protect the person from the imminent danger. This response disables the child from thinking clearly and logically.

This is why rationalizing doesn’t help in such situations. No reassuring can help the struggling mind of the child to cope with the situation or understand that there’s no real danger.

What to do?

Jain proposes what she calls the FEEL method. FEEL stands for:

• Freeze – stop overthinking and start breathing deep with your child. Deep breathing can help your child reverse the nervous system response.
• Empathize – anxious attacks can be really scary for your child. Make sure that your child knows that you understand that.
• Evaluate – once your child calms down, start figuring out the possible solutions.
• Let Go – stop feeling guilty about their state, let go of it. You are an amazing parent and you can help your child out.

2. Teach them that worrying can be good

Anxiety is tough enough as it is, and you don’t want your child to start thinking that something’s wrong with them. Many children can develop anxiety about having anxiety. Your job is to teach them that worrying has a good purpose too.

If it weren’t for worry, we might have not come to this age as a species. It’s a protective mechanism that our ancestors used when hunting or gathering food. In a dangerous environment full of wild animals, people needed this mechanism to survive.

Although we don’t have to run away from predators, the protective evolutionary imprint has remained in our brains – worry. Teach your child that worrying is completely normal and everyone experiences it now and then.

However, sometimes worrying can come as a false alarm (as with anxiety), and there are some simple techniques that can put this kind of worry in check.

3. Bring your child’s worry to life

Ignoring anxiety won’t help much. Instead, you could teach your child to give worry a separate personality, which would mentally isolate it from your child’s overall thinking. You can do this together by creating a ‘worry character’.

Give the character a name and talk about it as if it’s a real person. At GoZen, children know of the Widdle the Worrier – a character who lives in the brain and is responsible for protecting them from danger.

As Jaine says, sometimes Widdle can get a little out of control, and this is when they have to talk some sense into him. She proposes that you could do this too with a stuffed animal.

The idea is very good, as it helps your child to demystify the disturbing response they get when they experience this kind of worry. It serves as a means to reactivate the logical part of the brain, and it’s something your child can use on their own at any time.

4. The thought detective

The brain functions in such way that in order to make sure we are paying attention to its message for danger, it can exaggerate the object of the worry. In these cases, a stick can look like a snake, or a person walking toward you can look like they are coming to get you.

The best method for calming the mind when the irrational effects of worrying occur is accurate thinking. Jaine proposes a method which she calls the 3Cs:

• Catch your thoughts: Teach your child to imagine their thoughts as floating bubbles above their head, like in a comic strip. Now, they need to catch one of those worry bubbles (like “No one at school likes me”).
• Collect evidence: Next, they need to collect enough evidence that will support or negate this thought. Explain your child that they shouldn’t make judgements based only on feelings. Feelings are not facts.
  Find supporting evidence to the worry – e.g. “I had a hard time finding someone to sit with at lunch yesterday.” Now find negating evidence – e.g. “Sherry and I do homework together – she’s a friend of mine.”
• Challenge your thoughts: The best, and most entertaining, way to do this is to teach your child to start a debate with themselves. Discussing the ideas and evidence will eventually lead to a healthy conclusion about the worry.

5. Allow them to worry – create a worry time

Telling your child not to worry will not help them worry less. In fact, sometimes it can cause your child to feel even more worried. Instead, allow them to worry openly, in limited doses.

You can create a “Worry Time” daily ritual that would last for about 10 to 15 minutes. In this time, you allow your child to express and release all their worries in writing. Jaine proposes creating a nicely decorated ‘worry box’ together and putting all the worries your child had written in it.

During this worry time, every thought is allowed and there’s no rule on what makes a valid worry. When the time is up, close the box together and say goodbye to those worries.

6. ‘What is’, instead of ‘what if’

When we think of the future, we typically go with the ‘What if’ question about the things we are thinking of. Jumping forward in time can exacerbate the worry for those who suffer from anxiety.

Instead of thinking about ‘WHAT IF something bad happens when…’, the best way to reduce the worries is to get back to NOW and ‘What IS’, by practicing mindfulness. This helps your child to switch to the harmful ‘IF’ to the calmness of the present moment.

To do this, teach your child to simply focus on their breath for a few minutes.

7. A gradual approach to everything that causes anxiety

If your child wants to avoid social events, school, dogs, planes – basically any situation that makes them feel anxious – as a parent you will help them so. Of course, this is natural. Unfortunately, avoidance worsens anxiety in the long run.

Instead, approaching these ‘dangers’ gradually will help them cope with the irrational fears from them. Kids who able to manage their worry usually break it down into chunks they can manage more easily.

Using what Jaine calls ‘laddering’ is a great technique in helping your child reach the assumed threat ready. It works by chunking the steps to the goal, allowing for gradual exposure.

Jaine uses an example when a child is afraid of sitting on the swings in the park. Instead of avoiding the swings, you can create mini goals to get to final step, instead of rushing in, or avoiding it completely.

You could go to the edge of the park, then walk into the park, then go to the swings, and then finally, get on a swing. Walk through each step patiently, until exposure becomes too easy. That’s when you know it’s time to move on to the next step.

8. Make checklists for handling situations

When in danger, it’s hard for anyone to think clearly. In these cases, having some kind of guidance is not only helpful, but it can be essential. Pilots use checklists when facing an emergency even with their years of training.

When experiencing an anxiety attack, children feel the same way – unable to think of what to do next in order to handle the situation. This is why creating a step-by-step method can be very useful.

What should they do first when an anxiety attack happens? If breathing helps, then put it as the first step. Then, they could evaluate the situation, or talk to their imaginary ‘worry character’, or whatever works for them.

You can print out a hard copy checklist that your child can refer to when they feel worried or anxious.

9. Self-compassion

Being aware that your child is suffering from all those worries at such a young age can be confusing, frustrating, and painful. As a parent, it’s just natural to ask yourself if you are the cause of their struggle.

The fact is that you can’t be the cause. As we mentioned earlier, anxiety can come as a result of a variety of conditions. It’s very important that you keep in mind that you didn’t cause your child’s anxiety – and you can help them overcome it.

Whenever you feel like taking the blame for their struggle, remember that you are not alone in this and taking the blame won’t help much, as it’s not yours to bear. Let go of the unhealthy self-criticism and love yourself.

You are your child’s champion, and the only one they can fully trust and relate to. Instead of developing your own anxiety, help them go through theirs more easily and lead them out of it.

SHARING IS CARING!

Source: HuffPost

It is common knowledge that marriage takes work. We are only human after all, and we are not perfect. Neither is our partner. And no matter how much we try, sometimes unconsciously (or consciously?) we end up making a mistake.

We can even become frustrated and annoyed when we see some happy couples out there who seem to have perfect marriages. What’s their secret?

It is not flowers and diamonds, I guarantee you. It’s the small everyday habits that make a marriage long-lasting. So, read on, and try to practice these small steps everyday which will give you a positive outcome in the long run by bringing you happiness into your marriage. 

1. Be friends always 

It is believed that the best marriages are between those who were friends first. And while this may not be true for everyone, the fact that you need to keep the friendship between you and your partner alive if you want your marriage to last is true without a doubt. Friendship between partners always equals happy and lasting marriage.

2. Have a date-night every now and then

There comes a time in every marriage when spouses have to deal with being apart due to various reasons. The key is maintaining a meaningful communication by constantly talking, listening, and showing genuine interest and support. Most importantly, no matter how tired you both are, always go on dates.

3. Don’t forget the little stuff – this keeps the romance alive

Express your love and affection for one another every chance you get, every day. Don’t be ashamed to hold hands, kiss, and touch even in public places. The love you have is unique. So, be comfortable with each other and don’t be afraid to show it to the world.

4. Marriage requires work, but work for the same team

Good marriages don’t just happen. They take a lot of effort and team-work. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but what keeps partners together is how much effort they are willing to put in to make it through the tough times.

Both partners need to understand that what is important is to win together, not keep score. They need to work together as a team – this is essential for a well-functioning marriage. Also, it will deepen the love and affection they have for each other.

5. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill

The small issues often lead to big arguments. Don’t let trivialities get the best of you. Instead of focusing on the small things that irritate you, try to see the big picture. Focus on the happy moments of your marriage. Remember why you love your partner, and which qualities you admire them for.

6. Take a good care of yourself 

For anyone who thinks that self-care is selfish – it is not. It is one of the most important things that you should do in a marriage. Taking a good care of yourself, both physically and mentally, gives your children a good example to look after, and makes your husband admire you more and more every day.

7. It’s not what’s on the outside, but what’s in the inside that counts

Don’t judge anyone by its appearance. Looks don’t matter. Neither do tittles and money. What matter is: a kind heart, a forgiving soul. At the end of the day, we all need someone who understands and empathizes with us. No amount of money could ever buy a fantastic personality.

8. Laugh together, stay together

The more you laugh together, the more happiness it will bring to your marriage. Laughter really is the best and cheapest medicine. Not only it has medical benefits, it also reduces stress, and brings closer the family.

9. Be grateful and show gratitude often

Many of you can agree that expressing gratitude and appreciation towards our partner is an integral part of a healthy marriage. When marriages move past the “honeymoon stage”, it is really important to not take each other for granted. Saying little things like “thank you”, and “I love you for…” could help you to value your partner and also remind you why you have fallen in love with them in the first place.

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The human psychology is a vast realm that is still being explored today, and with every new finding comes a new surprise to how little we know about ourselves.

Throughout history, psychology has evolved so much, and there have been many experiments and studies that have completely altered the way we perceive ourselves. But perhaps these 4 were one of the most significant.

1. The “Door” Study

The phenomenon of ‘change blindness’ demonstrates just how unaware we can be of the things that are happening in front of our eyes.

In this experiment, researches targeted unsuspecting people in the street, who were asked for directions. While one of the researchers were asking for directions, workers hauling a large wooden door would pass between the student and the researcher.

As they pass, the researchers would switch places and continue listening to the person’s directions. Around half of the participants in this experiment didn’t notice that the person asking for directions had changed.

2. The Stanford Prison Experiment

This is one of the most famous and at the same time one of the most unethical experiments in existence. The results from this experiment show just how much human behavior can be affected by the environment.

In this experiment, 24 undergraduate students, without a criminal background, were put in a fake prison. Some were given the role of being guards, while others were tagged as the inmates.

After just six days of its duration, the experiment turned so violent, it had to be cut short.

Dr. Zimbardo, who was the initiator of the experiment, said that ‘the guards’ had escalated their aggression against ‘the prisoners’. They had stripped the prisoners naked, put bags over their heads, and finally had them engage in “increasingly humiliating sexual activities.”

3. The Harvard Grant Study

This is the longest study of adult development ever made. It primarily focused on what makes us truly happy. What did it find after over 75 years? Good, quality relationships contribute to a happier, healthier, and longer life.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 and it originally focused on 700 men from different backgrounds. Today, after 79 years, the study has included the participants’ families and is still searching for more answers.

4. Cognitive Dissonance Experiments

Cognitive dissonance is a form of social comparison, in which people evaluate their opinion and desires by comparing themselves to others. Based on the general ‘truth’ that is presented to them, they will quickly adapt their attitudes and beliefs to the reality they are trying to associate with.

In one experiment, participants were given the task to do mundane and boring tasks. They were divided in groups and were given an additional task afterwards. Both groups were given the task to present the task as interesting to the following set of groups.

The difference was that the first group was given $1 for the job of presenting the task, while the other were given $20 for the same.

The experiment showed that the $1 group had to convince themselves that the tasks were fun, while the $20 group presented it as fun, but did it for the money and didn’t find the tasks fun at all.

The study concluded that people who were persuaded to lie, without given enough justification, would perform that task by convincing themselves of the falsehood, rather than telling a lie, and thus dissociate themselves from their own reality.

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Most of today’s parents take it upon themselves to do their children’s chores for them, thinking that this is what good parents are supposed to do.

Stuff like packing school lunches, delivering forgotten school items and doing school projects and homework for your children are generally perceived like things any good parent should for their children, but is this really how you raise competent adults?

Will stripping your children of any sense of responsibility help them become responsible adults, capable of solving any problem that life throws their way? 

Some people have abandoned these practices in favor of more of a ‘military-type approach’ to parenting as they work to build necessary life skills in their children.

Here are 7 things that parents must quit doing for their children if they want to raise a functioning adult:

1.Stop Waking Them Up In the Morning

Your children need to learn to appreciate time for themselves, which is why you need to stop waking them up for school in the morning and let the alarm clock take over.

A few weeks (and possibly several suspensions) later, your kids will learn their lesson and will cease to rely on you to wake them up for school in time.

2. Stop Making and Packing Their Lunch for School

Ms. Carney says her responsibility when it comes to feeding her children in the morning ends with her making sure there is enough food in the fridge for them to fix their own breakfast. 

What is her rationale behind this decision?

‘One friend asked, yeah but how do you know what they’re bringing for school lunch? I don’t. I know what food I have in my pantry and it’s on them to pack up what they feel is a good lunch,” she wrote.

“It will only be a few short years and I will have no idea what they are eating for any of their meals away at college.”

3. Stop Filling Out Their Paperwork For Them

The beginning of the school year is the time when kids are required to submit an extensive paperwork to their schools. In Ms. Carney’s household, her children were expected to fill out all of their paperwork as soon as they became of age. She says this is how children learn responsibility for what’s ahead. After all, they will soon need to fill out job and college applications and they need to learn how to do this on their own.

4. If They Forget Something For School, Leave It

Children, and especially teens, need to be held accountable for their actions. Most parents have found themselves in a situation where they are rushing to deliver a forgotten PE uniform or a cell phone to their children’s school, but is that the right thing to do?

Ms. Carney believes, and we agree on that, that kids need to pay for the consequences stemming from their actions. It is a steep learning curve but one that will definitely instill some sense of responsibility in the young mind!

5. Stop Doing Their School Projects for Them

A typical teen will always postpone doing his/her school project until the very last moment. A typical parent will always come to their rescue and run out to get the materials needed to finish the project.

Parents need to toughen up and stop carrying the burden for their kid who didn’t take the time to properly plan to execute what was his responsibility in the first place. It may sound harsh but this will teach your children to do their chores in a timely and responsible manner, an invaluable lesson for what awaits them ahead.

6. Stop Doing Their Laundry

This is not to say that you should stop doing your children’s laundry altogether, but rather to remind them that you do not work for them and that you are not the only one who can do laundry around the house.

Make your children participate in the process of doing their laundry. For example, you can do the washing and they can fold and put their clothes away. This way they will learn to do the entire process all by themselves when such situation arises.

7. Stop Calling Their Teachers and Coaches

You should stop being the ‘over involved parent’ and let your children settle any problem they may have with their coach or teacher themselves.

If something is important to your child, it is best that you let him/her deal with the issue on their own.

It is one of the best lessons your kid will ever learn – mommy and daddy won’t be here forever to make the problem go away.

Source: Amy Carney