Often mentioned, but rarely explained. Anxiety. What is it? How does it feel?
We are anxious because we live in a world of snobs. People who take a tiny part of us, professional identities, and use to them to come to some conclusions about how valuable we are as human.
People who are putting pressure on every single one of us to achieve a goal set by society in order to be successful. Anxiety is the fear and the overwhelming emotion of panic of not being able to achieve that.
Anxiety is the notion of panic and fear you get in the middle of the day. It’s the sudden acid in your stomach causing you to question every single interaction and conversation you engage yourself into.
It feels like every single cell in your body moves so quickly and fast that your veins become blurry. Despite the constant metronome of your heartbeat inside your ears, it’s like listening to a spastic drumline.
You don’t even realize that you are cracking your knuckles, grinding your teeth, twisting that gold ring around your middle finger, or rubbing your pinky against your palm.
It’s avoiding eye contact, not because you are not interested in what the other person has to say, but because you are so focused on the sound of your own voice and hoping that through the other person’s ears they cannot tell that you are two octaves too high and on the verge of breaking, because your palms are too sweaty and you somehow forgot to speak with anything behind your words other than your insecurities.
It’s more than just sweating, shaking and shortness of breath. It’s a knot in your stomach, it’s a feeling of no control over your life, it’s like watching your world crashing down completely and sitting there like everything is fine.
It’s holding in your tears so much they burn your eyes.
Anxiety feels like fire.
Anxiety feels like drowning your demons, and then finding out they are Olympic swimmers.
It’s like a jump scare that lasts forever and won’t go away.
It’s coming to the conclusion that nothing adds up like it did in high school mathematics. You can’t carry the one and find the square root of the problem, because of most of the times, there is absolutely no problem.
There is no life or death situation. There is just feelings, an abundance of them. And you are feeling them all at once.
It’s the act of overthinking your overthinking.
It’s sitting in a crowded classroom, mentally rehearsing the word “Here!” waiting for the professor to say your name. It’s the fear of saying it so quietly, then having to repeat yourself, drastically increasing the chances of messing up and being embarrassed in front of your classmates.
It’s taking a test and finishing first, but being unable to stand up and walk in front of the whole class, causing you to nervously rub your sweaty palms together, and waiting for someone else to finish as well.
Anxiety sometimes can be truly downright crippling.
It’s the perfect example of an iceberg – most people don’t see it, but the truth behind it is hidden deep underneath the surface.
It’s constantly hiding that side of you, scared to show someone else the true you. Scared of being judged, of being underappreciated. Scared of not being good enough.
From the outside, it’s very easy to think that somebody has it all figured out. Because someone’s hair is curled, and their cheeks are intentionally flushed.
Because someone’s clothes are ironed and their bed made up – they must not have a single care in the whole world. As if it were expected for the demons to be worn like a scarlet letter upon someone’s chest.
And people often assume that if you can’t see it – then it’s not really there. As if pain doesn’t exist unless you’re bleeding or dead.
But sometimes, the most painful demons are the ones that cannot be seen. So, people learn how to smile, how to grin and bear it. They don’t talk about it because that would make them the odd one out.
That would make them the replaceable one. The one that is the least important. That would make them the annoying one. The anxious one.
Anxiety makes you realize that some days are better than others and that some days are the worst – but they are just days.
Days you can get through.