My anxiety has been with me for a really long time. I think it started in childhood. My mother tells me I have been a very anxious and impulsive kid back then. When I was a teenager and hit puberty I wasn’t doing well, to be honest.
I was battling anxiety and depression, but I was blaming it on the hormones. Only later did I realize how serious my problem is. And now, I am an adult who struggles with anxiety almost every day.
Anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean being nervous or scared all the time. No. Anxiety can present itself in numerous ways. When you get that hurting feeling and pressure on your chest – that’s anxiety.
When you are happy one moment and sad another – that’s anxiety. When your mind starts racing and imagining things that didn’t even happen – that’s anxiety. When you are constantly worried about what may or may not happen in the future – that’s anxiety.
When you start laughing, or crying, or jumping for no reason – that’s anxiety. When you flake on people and abandon plans at the last minute – that’s anxiety.
Yes, anxiety presents in all these ways and much more that may not be obvious. However, there is one way that anxiety presents in me, and that is – anger.
This means that when I get anxious, I get really angry and pissed off. Back then, when I was growing up, I was always having huge fights with my brother because he was always making me lose my temper.
All the little things he did to tease me annoyed the hell out of me, and oftentimes I couldn’t stand him. Of course, I’ve always looked bad in my parents’ eyes because of this temper of mine. It was just really hard to control my anger and stop letting ordinary things bum me out.
Today, I have managed to keep my anger-anxiety under control with the help of medication. Although it is more subtle now than before, anxiety can still make me lose my temper sometimes.
It happens when I say something without thinking and what I say doesn’t sound as good as it sounded in my head, so I become anxious and start beating myself up about this for days. But, I am also anxious to correct myself and admit my mistake.
When it’s hard for me to calm down, when I start talking negatively and complaining – that’s my anxiety.
I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be moody and irritable. I am doing everything I can to keep my anxiety under control, but sometimes nothing works. I still have my angry outbursts sometimes, and usually, they are for no reason. Oh wait, the reason is anxiety.
Have you ever felt this way? Please share your story with us.
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