I know I said I was going to go out with you tonight, as I did so many times before. And I know that something is making me change my mind as I am writing this, as it did all those times before.
The thing is, you know that I love you (at least I hope so), and I know that you love me (although currently I just hope you do). I don’t know how much you can love me after all those times I simply disappeared when I was supposed to show up and bond with you.
But because I can’t find a way to explain to you how I feel, it’s best that I wrote it and tell you of that inner voice in my head that says: come up with an excuse – you’re not good enough for that company; they are just being polite; they don’t really want you in their company; they’re just used to you, that’s all.
And you surely caught me unprepared so many times, ringing at my doorbell and waiting for me to peek through the blinds to see who the heck could be at my doorbell. And well, I didn’t open the door – I pretended I was sleeping, I hid in the other room, I simply wasn’t there.
And while it tore my heart to see you leave, I also felt relieved (I have to admit), because all those fears of what I was supposed to do were simply leaving with you. And then, other fears came: I know you were mad at me, I know my shitty behavior will simply teach you out of loving me, but what can I do?
I am so happy when I get a call from you and when you tell me that you want me in your company, to share your secrets with me, to giggle about silly stuff – everything that friends do. And then, when the moment comes, I start feeling afraid.
What am I going to say? Am I going to be the boring reclusive wet towel in the company and look my worst because my head is simply cramped with all these worries? How can I relax when I’m not sure if you really wanted me to be part of all that fun or you just felt sorry for me?
It’s so complicated… so debilitating… just too much. Sometimes, I feel better off being on my own doing nothing and listen to my thoughts that are so loud, and so messy – you have no idea.
So, I just remain home and scroll my Facebook timeline, looking at the places you went, and the things you did, feeling guilty that I let you down again and fearing that I have missed so much that I never got to live through those moments with you.
Of course, I have had moments with you when I simply didn’t care so much, when the thoughts didn’t prevail my reasoning… but what about these other moments? And I know how frustrated you are.
You probably don’t pick up the phone right away because you think that I just call when I’m in the mood for you because I’m not always the best at making a good conversation, or because I am sometimes reckless and say things that I shouldn’t.
But I care so much, you should know that. It’s just my anxiety speaking and the harder I fight it, the more I’m afraid. I don’t know what I am… a loner, an introvert, a selfish prick – I could be anything in your eyes right now.
But I know what I am not: I am not someone who doesn’t care about you – I care a lot. And I am not someone who communicates with you when I don’t have a smarter thing to do – I do it when my head is clear and when I can truly be myself.
So, please be patient and try to understand me, but don’t feel sorry for me – that just makes things worse. I suppose I just want you to know that I care about you.
Your anxious friend