It gets really hard when anxiety kicks in… and I’m not talking about that regular, healthy kind of anxiety we are all set to experience now and then. I’m talking about that constant, strong, and relentless anxiety which won’t leave you alone and which will come back the moment you think it’s gone.
It’s that anxiety which won’t leave you alone, although nobody seems to be noticing that it’s there, lingering inside your head, and everywhere you look. Yes, your friends may think that it’s just the way you are, being all cautious and alert, but you know that it’s something you don’t want to think about too much.
And you don’t want them to think that you are immersed in all these worries and constant criticism which seems to be taking the best of you in every passing second. It is there, in your chest, in your thoughts, it’s like a rope which tightens whenever you try to loosen up.
So even when your heart is pounding, and your mind is in anguish, you put on that calm face which feels like it’s being drained of the last remaining drops of blood and it starts feeling like it’s made of stone.
And you won’t let it conquer you, even if it’s taken control over most of your thoughts and your actions already. You keep on adding more tasks to your daily routine and accept unnecessary burdens from others because… well, you don’t know why – perhaps it’s better to overload your day with tasks than your mind with thoughts.
And even this seemingly good escape-plan can sometimes backfire, or even more often than just sometimes. Your constant self-criticism doesn’t allow you to think nicely of the things you do for others and you can only see yourself judging your imperfection in doing things because you’re afraid that when it’s not perfect, it’s not worth it.
So, you just keep on being the people-pleaser and your own worst judge because the panic, the worry, the constant headaches and nausea you get by the thought that you’re doing something which may not turn out the best are too much to bear.
Of course, there are these moments when you feel at peace, feeling relieved of all that tension and pressure because even anxiety needs a break from you sometimes. But it’s worse than a curse when it suddenly kicks back in when you least need it.
It may be that you’re out with friends having a blast, and there it is, your arch-nemesis, your constant criticizer, your anxiety that tells you that it’s time to go home and run away because the world has suddenly become a scary place.
Anxiety is that lump in your throat when you know what you want to say but you can’t see yourself saying it. It’s the buzzing static in your head when you finally start talking but you can’t seem to be following your speech – you are out of your body, watching yourself mumble things you can’t understand, and it’s a nightmare. You just want to run away from yourself.
It’s not that you’re saying silly things, but whatever you say, you will always criticize yourself for not saying something better. For not leaving that perfect impression which you cannot even imagine because you think that you don’t possess the ability to portray such perfection in your mind.
So, you stay pent up inside, biting your nails, or plucking your eyebrows, or just completely losing touch with yourself and trying to turn your focus away from your mind because it’s too much to bear.
You can’t help procrastinating everything you’re supposed to do because even the tiniest of things can sometimes seem so monumental and far away. Not to mention doing something which involves other people, like texting, calling, or emailing someone.
This may all seem hard to understand for many, but you are not alone in this. Maybe the easiest thing to remember is that you should forgive yourself more and allow yourself to make mistakes because they are natural and normal. You are doing things more perfectly than anyone would bother to.
Because your definition of perfection exceeds the mere idea of perfection of many by far. Even if you reach half the goal you have set for yourself, know that you have done at least a half more than those you like to perceive as ‘better’ than you.
You are much stronger than your fears and much more powerful than your worries. I believe in you; your loved ones believe in you. Just relax and love yourself more. You deserve it.
You are stronger than your anxiety.