Here Is Why People Pleasing Won’t Get You The Love And Respect You Desire

“People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way.” – Susan Newman

If you’re a people pleaser, then you know with what kind of issue we’re dealing here. One common characteristic that all people pleasers share is their strong desire to make others feel content, happy and good about themselves.

They disregard their own feelings in favor of those of other people so that they can please everyone around them. They try hard not to be the cause of someone’s disappointment,  sadness, irritation, anger, or hatred because for them, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring their own feelings.

They do anything within their power to make others like, respect and think highly of them – usually at their own loss.

And that’s their biggest problem. People pleasers tend to mistake pleasing people with being genuinely kind. There is nothing wrong with doing good deeds for others and wanting to make them happy. This shows your decency as well as your love and respect for the people you hold dear. Yet, pleasing others at the expense of sacrificing your own feelings, needs, desires, and happiness is definitely not going to bring you any good.

You have to set healthy boundaries so as to take care of your needs and desires. If you don’t love and respect yourself how can you expect others to love and respect you? And if you’re wondering how I know this stuff, let me tell you that I used to be a people pleaser myself.

I used to believe that if I was nice, modest, and friendly towards everyone, this would make people accept and like me. Even when I was in the company of people whose behavior was not that pleasant, I tried to stay patient and believed that if I treated them with kindness, they would change themselves.

I can’t tell how many times I said yes when what I really meant was no. I was afraid people would think I was selfish and get mad at me if I didn’t agree to do what was asked of me. So, I made their dissatisfaction, frustrations, and problems my own. I was afraid that if I did something that would make me look bad and irresponsible in front of them, they’d abandon me.

Abandonment – that’s the keyword. That’s the reason behind every people pleaser’s insecurities and fears. People pleasers fear conflict, abandonment, and loss. That’s why they’re more than willing to go out of their way to make others like them.

And I felt the same fear. I couldn’t imagine being disliked or disapproved of others. So, I tried to be the best friend, the best girlfriend, and the best colleague someone could ever have. And when someone was dissatisfied, or feeling down, or in search of someone they could take out their anger on, there I was, willing to be their crying shoulder. Their punching bag.  

While I was trying to fix their problems and make them feel better I lost a track of myself. I forgot to think of my feelings and needs. I forgot what my goals and priorities were. I failed to realize that no matter how hard I tried to help and make others happy, that was never going to be enough. There would always be someone who would find fault with me.

When you live your life trying to please others, comfort them, and solve their problems, you end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. You end up feeling confused and betrayed because after a while you realize that those whose needs and problems you made your priority only saw you as an option. As a convenience.

The truth is that genuine happiness, love, and satisfaction come from the inside. Your value and perception of who you are can’t be determined by the way others see and treat you. They’re within yourself, you just need to be willing to find them.

No one will respect you if you always put yourself second and don’t take care of yourself. No one will give you the acceptance and love you long for if you let them take you for granted and blame you for their misfortunes. No one will protect you if you don’t stand up for yourself.

You can’t be happy if you constantly take on other people’s dissatisfaction and problems as your own. You can’t feel loved if you let others disrespect your boundaries. You can’t feel respected if you let others get comfortable relying on your help and support and blame you for their dissatisfaction. You can’t feel content and fulfilled if you hurt yourself so as to make others happy.

You can’t feel genuine happiness if you allow other people’s approval of you to define your value.

You can’t allow other people’s ungratefulness and disrespect for you to change who you are. If they’re ungrateful and selfish, it’s their problem, not yours. You can’t expect to change people if they don’t want to do that for themselves. Let them handle their own problems themselves.

You need to take a closer look at your life and reevaluate your priorities. Once you do that, you’ll realize that it’s not other people you need to change – it’s you. You need to start thinking about your feelings, wants, desires, dreams, goals.

You need to make sure you’re surrounded by people who really want to make you happy and bring out the best in you.

You need to start pleasing yourself because that’s the only way you can get the love and respect you desire.

Be who you are and not who they want you to be. Because those who really deserve your attention, love, and respect will always accept and value you for who you are!