Home Love & Relationships How To Get Rid Of The Blame-Shame Pattern And Improve Your Relationship

How To Get Rid Of The Blame-Shame Pattern And Improve Your Relationship


We’re nothing but perfect imperfections who desperately try to coexist and survive on the same planet. We’re all flawed. We’re different. We’re peculiar. We’re weird.

So, it is only natural for us humans to not be 100% compatible with every person in our lives. As a result, it is even more natural for us to want to somehow change the behavior we dislike in our loved ones.

But, this is where it gets tricky.

In an attempt to make things better and point out the flaws in our partners, oftentimes, we lose ourselves and end up complaining, shaming, and even blaming them. And once we realize that pointing fingers is not an effective, nor a clever solution, we immediately regret our actions.

I can’t help but wonder… why do so many people think that a direct attack on someone’s persona is exactly what it takes for them to change?

Our patterns and systems are terribly hostile. Fortunately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on this topic lately, and it is my great pleasure to share some of my thoughts with you guys.

So, here are 3 simple methods that can help you rethink your steps, get rid of your destructive patterns and improve your relationship:


Instead of pointing out the flaws in my partner and making him feel bad by putting the blame on him, I slowly started changing my perspective. I simply challenged myself to look beyond his behavior and find the positive reason behind his irritating actions.

I said to myself… “What if I actually dug deeper and tried to understand his way of thinking?” What if I actually started showing more kindness and love, instead of judging him and blaming him for his behavior?

And so, I did it. I learned that the only thing that really helps is being more accepting and supportive of the people we love. No matter how annoyed we are or how irrigated their actions make us, we have to find a way to understand their true reasons for their actions, and then help them work on themselves for as long as they need.


The next step is obvious. If you finally realized that searching for the positive intention behind your partner’s actions, instead of blaming them is a great way to let go of the blame-shame pattern, then now you have to do the same for yourself.

What it is that you really want to change in your partner? If they somehow changed and transformed themselves into the person you wanted them to be, what would they have that they don’t have now?

I have to admit, this one was more difficult for me. But, once I stopped putting the blame on my partner for not giving me what I wanted, I realized one important thing.

How others treat us, depends solely on how we treat others.

If I wanted to be more intimate, accepted, loved and appreciated by my partner, I first had to change my behavior. I realized that I had put myself out there and give him everything he needs. Because you know what they say, it always takes two to tango.

After a few months, I was surprised at how changed my partner was. He was more loving, more passionate and more considerate than before. My change in behavior had successfully triggered him and made him more loving.


Let’s be real. We all get judgmental from time to time. It is a completely natural thing. We have one opinion; our partners have another. We follow a certain type of methods, they tend to develop their own strategies.  Occasionally, that often leads to a disagreement.

And the worst thing, we humans often do is fall right into a feeling of superiority.

The second we realize that our strategy is much more effective than our partners, our ego takes over and we let the feeling of self-righteousness take total control of us.

At such times, it is essential to put a stop at all the judgments, guilt trips and egoistic behaviors and put ourselves in their shoes for a while. After all, we’re just human beings who are in need of love and connection.

It takes a strong will and a lot of practice to get rid of those hurtful patterns, but once you learn these simple methods, your bond with your loved ones will immediately strengthen and your relationship will improve.