It’s always easier to blame others than see the faults in ourselves, isn’t it? So, we keep pointing the finger at our partner’s flaws, forgetting that we have them as well. It’s not our fault; it’s in our culture: we have been taught to blame and shame each other.
We think that if we keep using our blame and shame game, our partner will finally realize what irritates us, and will be thankful for our sincerity. Actually, it has a totally opposite effect: it hurts our partner’s feelings, paints a fake picture that we are perfect, ruins our relationship. Blame and shame destroy the roots from which love grows.
Why are we creating a distance in our relationships? Why are we trying to change people? We should realize that if we want a change, we should start with ourselves first.
How can we get past blame and shame and get back to love and harmony?
Turning The Negative Into Positive
Instead of blaming your partner and complain about the certain behavior you can’t tolerate, try to dig deeper: Think for a second…Why do they react that way? What’s their real need behind their behavior? What lies inside may surprise you…You may find pain, fear, loneliness, and sadness there.
Trying to understand their feelings, wants, and needs, you’re on the way to respond to the negative situations in a positive way and turn the blame and shame into empathy.
While it is of a great importance to be more curious and compassionate about your partner’s feelings, it’s also crucial for you to understand yourself. Try to be honest: What do you really want to achieve trying to change your partner? What’s your positive intention?
Of course, we all want to change our partner’s certain behavior; However, we must not rely on the shame blame game because it won’t help us – it will make things worse. Therefore, you should ask yourself what method you can use to come to the desired effect.
“What do I really want?” The answer will lead you to the same things you need to give to your partner. In other words, if you want to be loved, you need to give love; if you want a support, you need to give the same.
Also, try to pay attention to appreciation and focus on why your partner is wonderful to you and why you admire them. That’s where you let go of the harmful habit of blame and shame and that’s exactly where the positive change begins.
Letting Go Of Judgements
We make mistakes, have weaknesses and flaws, may feel insecure, angry, sad… we are human; we are the same. Therefore, letting go of the feeling that you’re perfect and superior is more than crucial for a healthy relationship. Whenever you have a judgment about your partner’s behavior, try to be more compassionate knowing that they’re just like you.
Once you learn how to let go of blame and shame, there will be no obstacles for your relationship to get improved and move towards real connection, love, and harmony.