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I Miss You But I Don’t Want You Back In My Life

i miss you but

I miss you but…

I never would’ve imagined that it was possible to miss someone so badly but not want them in your life. It sounds absurd, I know. I didn’t believe such a thing was possible until I experienced it myself.

We were together for 4 years and we went through many ups and downs, challenges, and trials. And then, everything fell apart. We parted ways. I still feel a lump in my throat as I say this.

It’s been half a year since we’re no longer together and the only thing I’ve been left with is my memories. Memories that I’ll always cherish.

Memories that make me miss you every single day.

Memories that make me miss the things we did together. The moments we had fun and laughed. The moments of sheer joy and happiness.

I miss you when I walk past the places where we used to go together. I miss you when by chance, I hear your favorite song. When I hang out with my friends and talk to them about things I enjoyed talking about with you. When I wake up from a nightmare and you’re not there to tell me everything will be okay.

I miss you when I close my eyes.

Because the image and memories of you come to my mind and I let them take control over me.

 I miss you even more when I think about how things are never going to be the same again.

I often wonder if there’s a way I can stop thinking about you, if I can block you out of my memory. And I try to find reasons to hate you, but I can’t.

And yes, I often think about you. And my heart still hurts. And sometimes, I can’t stop my tears from falling down. But no!

I miss you but I don’t want you back in my life.

I no longer need you to tell me that you’ll fix everything and make things be as they used to. I don’t want you to tell me that it’ll get better.

I’ll no longer try to make things work. I’m not going to try to change you anymore. I’m not going to invest my energy into something that could easily collapse again.

You know, maybe it’s not always about trying hard to fix things – maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.

While there are many things I still miss, there’re others I don’t. I don’t and I’ll never miss your lying, your blaming, your indifference.

This is where we’re meant to be right now – me apart from you.

And although my pain hasn’t worn off yet and I still feel the emptiness our break-up has created in me, I won’t go back to the place where I used to be. I’ll no longer be a part of the relationship that gradually started to suck the happiness out of me. To make me feel emotionally and physically drained. To make me feel confused, empty, lonely.

When the relationship you’ve worked on and devoted all your energy and time to falls apart, you realize that love doesn’t look like you thought it would. You realize that sometimes partners are toxic for each other.

I realized that our relationship didn’t allow us to grow. It didn’t let us be who we are.

I realized that love can make you feel like your life is a fairytale, but it can also prevent you from seeing the truth which is right in front of your eyes. The truth that you aren’t meant to be together.

But, maybe that’s how things work. Maybe sometimes, you just have to keep missing someone, until you wake up one morning and realize you don’t anymore.

I know parting ways with you was the best thing to do. It wasn’t easy, but it would’ve hurt me even more if I had stayed. If I had continued trying to mend our broken relationship.

Being apart from you has made me love and appreciate myself and life more. And I know I’ll get better through time.

I know I’ll find someone I won’t have to fix. Someone who will be willing to keep me in their life forever.