Changes happen when you decide to take action and not a minute before that. I realized this after I started being honest about my anxiety and depression. I didn’t expect to notice that the problems I had with my friends were often my fault.
Since I started to be more honest with myself and more open to the others, I realized that because of my anxiety I was ignoring the problems of the others, which influenced my relationships with them negatively.
Now I see that whenever I was thinking about my anxiety, I wasn’t being a very good friend for the people that needed me. Even when my friends didn’t need me, I wasn’t a good friend because I didn’t share the things that were happening to me – the blue thoughts, the uneasiness, panic attacks.
I wonder if they understand me when I tell them I’m sorry.
I feel bad for not answering your calls for nights out just because I was overthinking about anything that could go wrong. I feel bad for not being with you when you had all those important experiences. I feel bad for lying to you that I have other more important things and actually stay in bed.
I feel bad for changing the plans in last minute, although we had been planning everything for days or weeks. I’m sorry for not telling you that I felt depressed at that moment.
I can still remember all the times when I chased a friend away because I didn’t feel prepared to engage in a social situation. And not only that.
There were times when I refused to let anyone notice that I felt anxious, so was irritated at the smallest things and got angry at others for no reason. I was too scared to speak about the things that I was dealing with.
I was afraid they won’t like me because of that. But I didn’t realize that I was driving everyone away whenever I wasn’t myself and didn’t open to them.
I know that I was a bad friend because often I didn’t listen carefully or engage in the conversation. I was distracted because I was thinking about my feelings and thoughts and I was obsessing over minor things that were surrounding me.
I felt agitated and annoyed whenever we had to play a game or do something together. My insecurity made me feel that way. I was unsure that I will be as good as the rest, no matter how unimportant those things were. And often, I decided it’s better to quit, so I stayed home.
When all of these things were happening, my brain was also assuring me that I’m the only one facing those challenges and that nobody would understand me. I didn’t speak about it.
It was only me and my anxiety. Nobody else in the world. My anxiety was my secret and best friend. Soon, I welcomed another friend in my world – depression. Depression and anxiety soon took the control over me. I didn’t realize that I am the one who has the control over them.
Only if I opened up to the others earlier, I would have taken the control over them sooner.
Opening up showed me that I’m not the only one in the world and depression and anxiety are not my good friends, but only challenges that make me stronger whenever I face them.
I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of rejection. At the end, the true friends are never capable of hurting you and they will always try to help you. True friends have helped me overcome my doubts and be who I am today.
I learned that pushing away people is not the solution, but it can only worsen everything. Trusting people and facing the fear of opening up in front of the others is the real solution.
Now I know that the best version of myself is the honest and real me.
I’ve lost many friends because of my doubts and insecurity. But I’m happy I managed to keep those who are worth the most to me. I want to thank you for everything. Your support has been invaluable to me during my process of change.
I also want you to know that I’m here for you to listen to you and to have your back. You know that you’ll always have a person who loves you and cares for you.
I’m also glad that the negative perceptions are behind me and I’m open for new friendships and exciting experiences.
There is no place for judgement in my world. I don’t allow the bad environment to shape me.
Sometimes, the negative voice in my head shouts at me and tries to take the control back. But I don’t allow it. I have my friends to help me deal with it.