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Should You Break Off Any Contact With Your Toxic Mother? 11 Things You Must Know


One thing which is certainly socially unacceptable is when a person decides to break off the relationship with their mother. It doesn’t matter if that person has the most justifiable reasons for doing that, other people will never stand on their side. Society always sides with the mother.

Mothers are supposed to give their kids unconditional love and support and teach them how to treat others with respect. Loving and dedicated mothers make sure their kids grow into healthy, happy, responsible, and generous adults. Yet, there are some who fail to be the best examples and supporters to their kids – the toxic mothers.

Society believes and teaches us that mothers have a natural instinct to take care of their kids and that they’ll never do anything that could hurt their kids’ feelings. So, if something bad happens and causes the relationship to fall apart, then guess what? It’s the kid’s fault.

What’s even worse, that person, be it a daughter or a son, will often have to endure the constant cultural pressure and they can even start questioning their worth and behavior.

Experiencing familial estrangement

When their mother’s toxic behavior begins to take a toll on their emotional and even physical health, many kids decide to estrange from them. A study conducted by Dr. Lucy Blake of the University of Cambridge examined 807 people who had identified themselves as being estranged from their family members, of whom 455 were estranged from their mothers. The most common factors that were responsible for the estrangement were emotional abuse, a clash of values or personality, neglect, and different expectations about relationships.

Additionally, those who were estranged from their mothers wished from their relationships to be more positive, warm, emotionally close and unconditionally loving.

If you decide to break off any contact with your toxic mother, know that it won’t be an easy process at all. You’ll have to go through a lot of thinking, doubting your decisions, and struggling with loneliness.

Following are 11 things you must be prepared for if you break off the relationship with your toxic mother:

1. You’ll see that this isn’t the right solution.

No one decides to terminate the relationship with their mother without trying to make things work between them first. Undoubtedly, the cut-off will help you liberate yourself from her selfishness, manipulation games, and emotional abuse. Yet, it won’t help you forget about or heal your wounds. A proper healing may be achieved by going on counseling sessions and working with therapists.

2. The longing for a dedicated and loving mother never fades away.

Although you know how much your mother hurt your feelings and didn’t give you the things you deserved to have – love, compassion, and respect, you’ll always feel the need and longing for a warm, kind, supportive mother. Be careful, though, as this can make you feel hopeful of reconciliation with your mother, but chances are that if she doesn’t feel about it in the same way as you do, you’ll get hurt even more.

3. You can start feeling worse after the cut-off.

Feelings of regret, guilt, shame, isolation, loss, and fear can come as a surprise to a kid who’s decided to break free form their mother’s toxic grip. The cut-off can be detrimental to you because you won’t have the chance to be loved and supported by a loving and dedicated mother- a blessing that other kids enjoy.

4. You can feel guilt and shame.

Many kids believe they owe something to their mother just because she’s the woman who’s given birth to and raised them. Although she has never treated them like a normal, loving mother, their insecurity can make them doubt their decisions and blame themselves for going no contact.

5. You may want to re-initiate contact with her in a crisis.

Your feelings of guilt can make you waver if you find out that your mother’s become ill or has serious problems. In situations like this, it’s likely that you’ll start feeling like you have a responsibility towards her or feel compassionate towards and pity her.

6. You can feel lonely and misunderstood.

Familial estrangement is a difficult and painful process for everyone, not just for the person who’s directly involved in the process. Don’t be shocked if your closest friends or partner don’t show understanding for your problem and decision and don’t support you. They don’t know what you’re going through so be prepared to cope with loneliness.

7. You have to anticipate unpleasant results.

Some toxic mothers will feel relieved due to the relationship breakdown, but others won’t easily accept the cut-off. No toxic mother will ever admit that this is her own fault. To avoid any responsibility, she can blame you for the cut-off and openly criticize you, especially in front of family members and others so as to make them side with her.

8. Your losses may not be as easy as you think.

For some kids, a relationship breakdown is a way to get rid of their mother’s emotional abuse and start over. For others, it’s an overwhelming and unbearable experience. The latter aren’t ready to cope with the intensity of their feelings. Moreover, if you go no contact with your mother, know that you’ll lose contact with other close family members and relatives because many of them will take your mother’s side.

9. You need to grieve over your loss.

You’ll feel hurt and disappointed and that’s normal. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Allow yourself some time to grieve over the lost chance to be loved, respected, protected, and supported by your mother. After all, this is all that you deserved.

 10. You need to do your best to heal your wounds.

By consulting professional therapists, you’ll recover from your mother’s toxic and damaging behavior towards you and accept your adaptation to the treatment. Don’t let your painful past experience prevent you from having a healthy life now and in future.

11. You may want to re-establish contact.

Although you had justifiable reasons to divorce your mother and it was the best thing you could do to protect your mental health, chances are you won’t be ready to take the plunge. Whether you’ll reconsider your decisions, feel regrets, or criticize yourself, you can easily feel a strong need to get in contact with her.