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When You Have Suicidal Thoughts, But You Don’t Want To Die – The GRAY Area of Being SUICIDAL


Life can get so hard sometimes that it’s no wonder that you can find yourself losing any optimism left and start obsessing your mind with suicidal thoughts.

You may be suicidal – but you are safe. You are not trying to harm yourself. You don’t have a suicidal plan or anything of the sort. But, you are thinking of it. And sometimes you can feel this way for a long time.

People tend to see suicide as a black-and-white issue. We are so easy to judge others who admit to having these kinds of thoughts. However, for you, being suicidal is a gray area.

You can have the best day of your life and be in such a good mood, and still have suicidal thoughts lingering in your mind. You perfectly understand that having such thoughts doesn’t mean that your whole life is a wreck and that you are depressed. You can be surrounded by the people you love, doing whatever you enjoy doing most, and still have these thoughts.

And, on the other hand, you still can find yourself waking up in the morning and thinking that you would be better off dead. And then you scorn yourself for feeling this way when you see the face of your husband and the faces of your loving children.

You understand that having suicidal thoughts from time to time is not the same as planning on suicide and being suicidal overall.

It feels like there is a very dark black cloud surrounding you, or like you have an itch that you are not able to scratch. It’s a mix of emotions and states from anxiety to depression happening all at once.

It’s like there is no air and you are drowning. And coming back from this overwhelming state seems almost impossible to you. You know that you have to push through and go through your day without feeding this feeling and try to function as normally as you can.

There are days that are just harder than others. Days, when you wake up and think that your family doesn’t need you and they would be better off if you are not there. Then, you start thinking about money troubles, problems with your children, your parents’ health, and so on, and you feel like your heart sinks a little more every time.  

Then you start thinking about your husband and how he manages to do everything he sets his mind on, as opposed to you who can’t seem able to do even one good thing for yourself. And there’s the feeling of not being good enough to serve as an example for your children.

However, you know that these are just feelings and they are not a reflection of your reality. You are perfectly aware that there are many things worthy to be alive for. You have your family and your friends who love and support you.

You just have to learn how to make your mind and your body feel better.   

People with mental illnesses live their lives in grey and dark areas. And their condition is not something which can be shut off and on because their suicidal feelings come in waves.

They must understand that they are the only warriors of their mind and they have to protect their inner peace.

Some days may be harder than others, but that’s what will make you stronger only if you don’t succumb to the demons of your mind.