Have you ever been so deeply, madly, and naively in love that you thought you found your forever person? Have you ever loved someone so intensely and passionately that you thought you’d never love anyone that way again? Well, that’s exactly what happened to me.
But, I believe you already guessed that my love story didn’t have the “…and they lived happily ever after” end.
After we broke up, I was nothing like the person I was before he entered my life. Happiness was just an abstract term to me. I was awash with disappointment, sadness, anger, and loneliness.
For a long time, I wondered if I would be able to find the purpose of my life again. I wondered if I would ever be the woman I used to be.
I wondered if I would be able to love and be happy again.
And you know, I wasn’t always like this. I was one of those women who were happy and found joy in every little thing around them. I was one of those who lived life to the fullest and who were grateful for everything they had in life.
But, dating a narcissistic man changed me. From a person who saw the world as bright and colorful, I became a person who saw nothing else but sadness and grey everywhere around me. My happiness was replaced with depression.
He made me look like just a pale image of the person I once was. He turned my dreams and desires into fears. Fears that I was weak, unworthy, and incapable to pursue my goals and passions.
He made me doubt myself and my worth.
For a long time, I was beating myself for letting him change me. I was ashamed of the person he turned me into and I was ashamed of being a fool.
Although I never admitted it to myself, deep down I knew this man was beyond repair. And still I stayed with him and allowed myself to be tortured. And the more I let him torture me, the more difficult it became for me to leave him and the more I felt unimportant and weak.
I know what you’re thinking now. You think I was too naïve and stupid for allowing him to treat me that way and for staying with him.
But, I trusted him.
I believed he felt the same what I felt for him. There’s a saying love is blind and I know this the best.
Because my love for him prevented me from seeing the cruel truth that was staring me right in the face – the truth that he used all kinds of tricks, little mind games, and manipulation tactics to make me fall in love with him more and more with each new day.
I didn’t see that he had in store thousands of masks behind which he hid his true colors so as to make me believe he deserved my trust and love.
He was the best manipulator, the best actor and I fell for his games.
I believed his words and promises. And I patiently waited for him to fulfill them, but as you can guess, he never did that. He’d just break my soul again and again.
I believed him because he made me feel safe and protected.
He made me feel like I could always count on him for whatever I needed. He acted like he was my greatest help and cheerleader. He promised to protect me from anyone and anything.
But, what I did not know was that this was just one more of his brilliant tactics he used to win my trust and make me let my guard down. And once I broke all the walls I kept around me, it was easier for him to control and play with me in whatever way he wanted.
But my only fault was that I truly loved him.
I loved him deeply and selflessly. I gave my heart, mind, and body to a man who was incapable of loving anyone but himself. A man who instead of doing his best to make me feel loved, he did his best to keep me under his control and play with my feelings.
I believed that my love for him would change him and he’d begin to see me the way I saw him – with eyes beaming with happiness and heart beating wildly.
I thought I was powerful enough to soften his crude heart. But I wasn’t. You can’t teach the man who doesn’t have the slightest idea of what true, unconditional love means love. He simply doesn’t have it in himself.
I let him shake my confidence and blame me for all his problems. I let him make me think I didn’t deserve to be loved. I lost myself to him.
But, I found myself again.
I picked myself up and dusted myself of the hell he put me through. I never stopped searching for my former self. I fought with every fiber of my being to patch every hole of my soul. I couldn’t allow myself to stay a wreck for the rest of my life.
I thought I’d never be able to collect the broken pieces of my heart, but I was wrong. I put my heart together and healed my wounds.
I realized it wasn’t me who wasn’t good enough and worthy of love – it was him. Loving him was like throwing all my love into an abyss.
And today I’m not only the person I used to be once, but I’m stronger and wiser as well.
Riley Cooper is a professional writer who writes informative and creative articles on topics related to various fields of study. Written with love and enthusiasm, her articles inspire readers to broaden their knowledge of the world, think and get ready to act. If you have a general question or comment please fill out the form and we will get back to you as soon as possible https://curiousmindmagazine.com/contact-us/
