Many individuals find themselves trapped in relationships with narcissistic partners, despite being fully aware of the toxic dynamic at play. The question is: Why? What psychological forces keep people stuck in such relationships, unable to break free? Dr. Anthony Mazzella dives deeper into this topic, explaining what actually happens.
In order to understand this perplexing phenomenon, we must first look at where narcissistic relationships truly exist. They don’t merely exist in the surface-level interactions or manipulations, but in the realm of fantasy. It’s not the narcissist’s grandiose image that holds you hostage—it’s the compelling narrative they create, and the way you attach your hopes, dreams, and desires to that future.
This attachment to the fantasy makes the idea of leaving feel unbearable. Even when the reality of the relationship becomes painful, the fantasy offers a sense of meaning, a promise that things might change, that the idealized connection you long for is still within reach. Letting go of the narcissist isn’t just about walking away from a person; it’s about dismantling the illusion that keeps you invested.
If and when you separate from a narcissist, the pain you feel often isn’t about the person themselves—it’s about the collapse of the fantasy. The relationship wasn’t simply about two people; it was about a shared fantasy—the idealized version of what you thought the relationship could be. Without this fantasy, there is an unsettling void, one that leaves you questioning your sense of self.
The Illusion of Love and Connection: A Complex Emotional Trap
The fantasy isn’t just a byproduct of the narcissist’s charm. “Through my clinical work and research, I’ve found that it’s a complex emotional dynamic that entangles both partners. You’re not just hooked by the narcissist’s manipulation; you’re emotionally attached to what the relationship represents” says Dr. Mazzella.
For many, the fantasy is about emotional fulfillment—an illusion of connection, security, and self-worth. The relationship becomes a stage where unmet needs, unresolved wounds, and a longing for recognition play out. But as these needs remain unfulfilled, the fantasy lingers, creating a compelling reason to stay.
You may be seduced by the promise of togetherness—the hope that this person, flawed as they are, will give you the recognition you crave. The narcissist’s fleeting attention can make you feel seen, special, and finally worthy. But it’s not just about the attention. Sometimes, the need is maternal—this deep urge to nurture and feel indispensable to someone. It’s the immense gratification gained from the belief that your presence is holding the relationship—and the other person—together. Without you, the inner dialogue goes, they would collapse.
This fantasy distorts reality. Over time, it becomes embedded in the mind as a structure that promises salvation but ultimately leads to emotional entrapment. Separation feels less like a freedom and more like a loss of self—a fear that binds you to the narcissist.
Scams and Self-Deception: The Mental Trap
Think of this dynamic like a scam. In the most successful scams, the victim is not merely deceived by outside forces; they become complicit in their own undoing. The narcissist’s promises of change and redemption work in a similar fashion. Their manipulations are often built on fake promises, but what really holds you in place and keeps you stuck is the internal propaganda—the belief that if you just try harder, salvation will come.
The narcissist convinces you that suffering is temporary, that betrayal isn’t real, and that love will eventually conquer all—if only you make a little more effort. This is the con that plays out in the mind of someone trapped in a narcissistic relationship. The promise of salvation keeps you clinging to the fantasy, even as the evidence against it continues to grow.
Many individuals in narcissistic relationships will recount emotional abuse or betrayal, but still insist their partner “really loves them,” or that things will improve. This inner scam lures you into believing that the occasional acts of kindness or tenderness are proof of true connection, reinforcing the illusion of a perfect idealized relationship.
The Desire for Togetherness, Acceptance and Recognition
At the core of this entrapment is a deeper psychological need for togetherness, acceptance and recognition. But why do some people fall victim to this pattern while others don’t? Neuroscience suggests that our craving for attention is linked to dopamine—the brain’s reward chemical. When we receive attention, it releases dopamine, reinforcing the behavior and creating a cycle of seeking more. This craving may be driven by a need to either avoid emotional pain or seek pleasure.
Another perspective, rooted in psychoanalytic theory, points to early experiences of loss or emotional neglect as the root cause. For those who have experienced neglect or emotional trauma early in life, the need to be recognized and accepted becomes a way to compensate for unhealed emotional wounds. The desire to feel important to someone may be an unconscious attempt to mend early traumatic losses—losses that have yet to be processed.
This traumatic loss often manifests as the loss of a parent’s love, the loss of self-worth, or the abandonment of emotional needs in childhood. When early expressions of need are met with indifference or neglect, the individual learns to doubt their ability to attract the care they need. Over time, this leaves a deep, internalized sense of helplessness—a feeling that their needs will never be met, no matter how hard they try.
Pathological Mourning: Avoiding Real Grief
As these unmet needs fester, the individual becomes caught in a cycle of pathological mourning. Rather than mourning the emotional neglect they experienced early in life, they become trapped in the emotional highs and lows of the narcissistic relationship. The highs, however fleeting, offer a brief escape from the pain of unprocessed grief, while the lows leave them longing for the next burst of validation.
“In my experience, without a psychodynamic approach that treats the illusion of intense and magical emotional attachment as a symptom—rather than the problem itself—the individual will continue to struggle with this cycle. The fantasy becomes a way of avoiding the painful truth of unresolved childhood trauma and emotional abandonment. It creates an illusion of escape from the unbearable grief of lost connection, even as it keeps them anchored to an unhealthy relationship” says Dr. Mazzella.
The Trap of Escaping Reality
At the heart of it all is an attempt to escape the real world of loss, pain, and mourning. The narcissistic relationship becomes a fantasy world—a blissful union where emotional needs can be fulfilled, where abandonment and neglect are forgotten. But when the reality of the relationship inevitably intrudes, the fantasy collapses, leaving the individual feeling empty and disillusioned.
So why do people stay? Because the promise of emotional fulfillment and recognition offers a brief respite from the reality of unmet needs. The problem is that the higher the escape, the harder the fall when reality sets in. And for many, the cycle continues until the fantasy finally shatters.
If you’re ready to break free from the cycle, listen to Dr. Mazzella’s The Narcissism Decoder podcast. Gain the insights you need to reclaim your sense of self and start healing today.
If you’re seeking personalized support in navigating the complexities of narcissistic relationships, Dr. Anthony Mazzella offers private consultations. Schedule an appointment today to begin your journey toward healing.
A professional writer with over a decade of incessant writing skills. Her topics of interest and expertise range from health, nutrition and psychology.
