Over much the last decade, I’ve traveled the world as a dating coach, helping hundreds and hundreds of guys become more attractive to women. Here are the seven deepest truths I’ve uncovered along the way.
By Connell Barrett
IT’S ABOUT CONNECTION, NOT ATTRACTION
Ravishing though she may be, a woman is not her physical features. She’s a person of divine perfection. And people don’t conquer. People connect.
Men should spend less time trying to attract women and more time trying to connect with women. Trying to find out what makes her fascinating, unique, special.
Because if she’s out on a date, or talking to a guy at a bar for more than a few minutes, she’s already attracted to him. What she wants is to connect with him.
WOMEN WANT GUYS TO APPROACH
A lot of men I coach come to me with anxiety about approaching a woman. They see girls they want to meet, but they fear being seen as a “creep” hitting on them, so they do nothing and miss out on many opportunities.
A guy’s next girlfriend might be sitting next to him at the café, or enjoying a glass of wine at the bar, or reading a book in the park—but he’ll never find out if he doesn’t say hello.
True, a dozen times a day an attractive woman is creeped-on, checked-out, cat-called and eye-balled. But how often does she meet a friendly, charming man who walks up and flirts in a disarming way? That happens in movies but not the real world, right?
A man can make a girl’s rom-com, “meet-cute” dreams come true.
A woman doesn’t want every man to approach her, but she’s dying for a MAN to approach her.
LOOKS DON’T MATTER (MUCH) TO WOMEN
If the guy is handsome, tall or rich, those are nice bonuses. But he doesn’t have to be a Hemsworth brother to get a gorgeous woman interested.
What he needs to do is be authentic. To lean into what makes him unique, special, one of a kind.
When a guy is fully authentic with women, he’s his most confident and charismatic self—and girls love confident men. When a woman meets the real, authentic man, she’s getting the most attractive version of him that there is.
But because of self-doubt, the typical guy does the opposite: He hides behind a persona, a mask. He fears he’s not enough and assumes women won’t be attracted to his REAL self, so he acts extra cool, or extra impressive, extra macho.
This waters down his TRUE personality and makes him less attractive, even creepy, because he’s hiding something. So she rejects him.
But when a man summons his most authentic self, a girl who likes that type will be crazy about him. That’s what’s so awesome: Women like all kinds of guys: nerds (that’s me), intellectuals, introverts, single dads, boy-next-door types, and more.
When a guy becomes radically authentic, he shows women his most attractive trait: his real self.
NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST
It’s a myth that women want macho jerks. A nice guy can get amazing girls—he just needs a backbone, is all. I’ll never forget what a gorgeous Maxim model said as she was complaining about all the arrogant, self-involved jerks she meets in L.A.: “Nice guys are sexier than 6-pack abs.”
She’s not alone in that assessment. Nice guys finish first—literally. In a Glamour Magazine poll of single women, “loyal and lovable men” was the category of guys women MOST wanted to date, at 33%. “Bad boys” finished second to last, at 6%.
So if you’re a “nice guy,” own it. Lean into it.
GUYS PUT THEMSELVES IN THE FRIEND ZONE
That’s right—women don’t put guys in the friend zone. We do it to ourselves.
On a date or in his interactions with a woman, the typical guy mistakenly treats her like a friend, not a potential girlfriend. He doesn’t flirt. He doesn’t tease. He tries too hard to please her. This drains the interaction of that male-female polarity.
If you’re a guy and your dates lack a fun, flirty vibe, it’s not so much “a chemistry thing.” It’s a friend-zone thing… and you put yourself there.
Remember, the girl WANTS to want him—she’s on a date, after all. But his sub-communications send all the wrong messages. She can’t help but feel, “Nice guy, but I’m just not into him.”
AS MEN, WE MUST EXPAND
A woman wants a man of substance. So as men we must work on ourselves. We must become smarter, sharper, funnier. How? Countless ways. Travel. Read great novels. Learn French. Take improv. Hire a trainer and add muscle.
The more a man grows, the more magnetic he becomes. This can’t be faked. In “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” Robert Pirsig writes, “Expansion has to be made at the roots, not the branches.”
Men build empires to get girls. A guy doesn’t need an empire. But he should be able to do 25 pushups.
DATE LIKE GEORGE COSTANZA
Remember that “Seinfeld” episode when George does the opposite of his instinct? Instead of lying and being someone he’s not, he’s honest and vulnerable—and immediately connects with a gorgeous woman.
There’s strength in vulnerability. A guy doesn’t need to be Steve McQueen cool to attract a great girl into your life. If he’s more George than Steve, then own it. He can be vulnerable. He can unleash his inner Costanza. He can do the opposite.
Dating coach Connell Barrett is the founder and executive coach of DatingTransformation. To book a free strategy call with him, go to DatingTransformation.com/contact