“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” says Jim Rohn, famous American author, motivational speaker, and entrepreneur.
Certainly, the type of personality you are surrounded with influences your self-esteem, motivation, attitude, and finally, success. I am sure you have all had an experience of positive energy transmission by spending time with optimistic and communicative individuals. (1)
On the contrary, the personality types that spread negative influence are much more numerous. On the top of that list are – the narcissists.
Narcissism, defined as a mild mental disorder, involves an exaggerated perception of one’s significance and a deep need to receive admiration and recognition from others.
These self-centered people are unable to see the world from someone else’s perspective and classify only their opinion, desires, and plans as important.
In the fight to play the main role in every situation, the narcissist can manipulate, lie or offend those that do not accept them with full admiration. Namely, they have a repetitive form of behavior.
This is the first and the obvious sign you are dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are egocentric people – they want to present themselves as the best, the smartest, and the funniest.
They can go hours-long storytelling about their smart decisions that changed everything, explaining experiences in which they are the hero or forcing others to agree with their opinions.
Don’t be astonished if they change the topic in a middle of a conversation and start bragging out of nowhere. (2)
Being in the same environment with someone more fortunate or more successful is unbearable for a narcissist as these people are unable to share other people’s happiness.
They deal with the situation, unfortunately, by either ignoring or downplaying the accomplishments of their family, friends, and colleagues.
Narcissists at a workplace have a tendency to diminish the work done by their subordinates and make them try harder to satisfy their bosses’ requirements by obeying their orders.
Although narcissists are often associated with charming behavior, the reality is slightly different. Frequently, they show symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior by being offensive, complaining about being misunderstood by others, expressing jealousy towards the more successful, and over-criticizing authorities.
They enter a state in which they want to attract attention by opposing everything and everyone. In instances, they go as far as verbally insulting their friends or colleagues as that gives them a sense of supremacy and power. (3)
Narcissists are experts in playing games, and the victim game is one of their most common forms of behavior. They tend to exaggerate the “difficulty” of the situation they are in, overstate their problems and talk about embroidered health issues.
Going as far as inventing problems is not uncommon as well. The psychology behind this behavior lies in their need to attract attention – by making others feel pity.
Moreover, this is a very often used tactic in a situation when a narcissist wants to disguise misbehavior or mistake they have made. They avoid being blamed for something but rushing in and taking the position of a victim.
Sometimes, narcissists are in desperate need to have someone that will support them in their arguments. The so-called “triangulation game” they use is very simple: they involve a third party in a conversation and persuade him or her that the opponent is completely wrong until a fight is initiated by the two individuals.
In that way, a narcissist gets a feeling that someone else supports them because they were right in the first place.
This game goes one step further than the accomplishments downplay. When a narcissist feels that their superior position in a situation is threatened, they choose the “blame the other” tactic.
By passing the guilt onto the others, they regain their back their feelings of dominance and importance.
Unfortunately, it is almost impossible that a narcissist would ever change. Narcissist Personality Disorder is a medical condition that can be treated only if the person wants to change.
Therapy would not function on somebody that is not aware that they have a problem, or even worse, offering help can initiate an outburst of rage and anger, as they will feel their ego is hurt.
Therefore, healing a narcissist is not something we can do easily. However, what we can do is learn their tactics and always be a step ahead.
Narcissists cannot function without their narcissistic supplies. They always need to have people in their life that will admire them, offer them endless attention, and cater to their needs. Therefore, narcissists often target people who are naïve to their manipulation tactics and easily fall prey to their charm.
Here are the most famous narcissistic tactics for manipulation:
The narcissist wants to be in control. They want domination and power. Therefore, they will always act like they know best, and everyone needs to listen to them. They constantly correct and interrupt others and dismiss their opinions as invalid or stupid. Moreover, a narcissist will always choose submissive people who will allow them to demean, criticize, ridicule, and dominate them on a daily basis. That’s how a narcissist gets their validation and feeds their ego.
A narcissist always seeks an environment where they will be admired. They need to feel important and superior to others. That’s why they are often in high positions and constantly look to be surrounded by people who will see them as a God.
Narcissists can’t follow rules because they don’t want anything to be above them – even the law. They don’t respect other people’s boundaries, which is also a part of their manipulation tactics because they persuade people to relax their boundaries when it comes to the narcissist. The narcissist uses people, and that gives them “the right” to do whatever they please.
Narcissists like to boast about themselves and their accomplishments regardless of how irrelevant they are. They will always find an audience for their boasting. They adore telling people how wonderful and amazing they are, what their social status is, and how they are well respected by everyone. They do that to get other people to envy them and feel better about themselves.
Some narcissists are deliberately difficult and confrontational with others because it gives them a sense of importance and power. They want other people to walk on eggshells around them because, in their mind, it is better to be feared and disliked than lose the power and control they think they have. Sometimes, a narcissist will subconsciously make everything difficult just to confirm their inner belief and self-loathing that they are undeserving of love.
Some narcissists live through others to make themselves look worthy and valuable. They use other people to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams and fantasies. So, those who find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist are merely the narcissist’s extension. They serve only for the narcissist’s image and to boost their self-confidence because deep down, the narcissist is empty – they feel like nothing.
It is hard to imagine that something can hurt a narcissist. But, a narcissist can get hurt. Here’s what drives a narcissist insane:
– When someone ignores them and gives them the silent treatment. That wounds their ego like nothing else. Because a narcissist thrives on a reaction from you – positive or negative, and when you ignore them, the silence will make them crazy because they will realize that they were not that important to you.
– When they lose control. That means that they no longer are able to influence and control their victim. A narcissist is a control freak and an emotional psychopath. So, when someone gets free from them, it is a great blow to their ego.
– Being criticized. A narcissist’s self-esteem is extremely low. Therefore, every criticism (even constructive one) is perceived as something terrible and hurts them deeply.
– Not being the center of attention in your world. They can’t deal with the fact that someone else has your attention and love, and it drives them absolutely crazy. Also, they don’t want when you focus on yourself and become the center of attention in your world.
Narcissist needs control like they need oxygen. So, when a narcissist loses control, prepare for the worst!
You will see the narcissist rage and lose control. They will shout, scream, and even become violent. You may start fearing them and looking for places to shelter yourself from their wrath. When narcissists lose control over something, their impulsivity comes to the surface, and they can’t control their behavior.
Many narcissists will become verbally abusive, while others may become physically abusive as well. Some narcissists will become passive-aggressive, i.e., they will ignore you and give you the silent treatment to “punish you.” They will “disappear” and “ghost” you to get your attention and regain the lost control.
Moreover, when you catch them red-handed, they will lie to your face and deny everything. The narcissist will never admit they are wrong. You will never get an apology from them. A narcissist is incapable of empathy, and so, when they hurt you, they will turn the situation around to look as if you are the abuser as if you are the one who hurt THEM. They will gaslight you, and you will feel like you are losing your mind.
But, if none of their tactics work, the narcissist will then bait you by pretending they are sorry and they have lost their senses for a minute. They will assure you they love you and that you should give them another chance. DON’T. It’s a trap. All they want is to control you again and make you miserable.
If you want to manipulate a narcissist, the first thing you can do is to admire them constantly. By using admiration as a manipulation tool, you will become an irreplaceable narcissistic supply to them. Second, you should use their insecurities to manipulate the narcissist to value your attention more than the gratification they may get from abusing you.
You should remember that everything a narcissist does is to gather as much narcissistic supply as possible to rest assured that they always have the admiration and the validation they so desire. So, in a way, their biggest asset is their biggest weakness as well. Therefore, if you want to manipulate a narcissist, you should do that by using their fixation on narcissistic supply and pretend to give them what they need while at the same time making them do what you want.
When a narcissist no longer sees that they can get something from you, when you no longer provide them with a narcissistic supply, then they will discard you.
Here are the most telltale signs that a narcissist is done with you:
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please save yourself. Save your life by walking away from them and cutting off any ties you have with them.
