“All the bullying experts agree on one thing – that bullying is an imbalance of power; that someone’s trying to have power over you. They want to see you lose, and they want to win.”

Popular author and speaker Brooks Gibbs has become a sensation with his speeches that help people understand bullying better and be equipped with the knowledge on how you can stop being bullied the easiest way.

His message is simple: Love Is Greater Than Hate

Of course, when you are bullied, you are being hated by someone else (often for no apparent reason), and this behavior simply tips you off balance and you lose it. But, according to Gibbs, this is when you should start being nice to that person.

What psychologists call dominance behavior, bullying is based on how dominant one person becomes in the interaction. And by accepting their negative behavior and reciprocating with negative behavior, you accept the dominance of that behavior and thus you are being dominated in the situation – the bully wins.

However, Gibbs recommends that in such situations we need to use the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

As he says, it’s very easy to treat someone nicely when they are being nice to you. In fact, it’s very hard to be mean to a person who is nice to you – much harder than being nice to a person who is being mean to you.

So, his advice is to stay calm and be kind.

“People don’t make you mad, and nobody pushes your buttons. You make yourself mad, you upset yourself, and you push your own buttons. The phrase of ‘They’re just pushing my buttons’ is a total lie,” explains Gibbs in a live talk.

The truth is, it’s our choice to let people’s words, actions, rejection, or rumors, hurt us or upset us. And his advice is not to let that happen – because if you let it, you lose. And if you don’t let this behavior affect you, you win.

And once you simply let go of the negativity that is being directed to you, your job is to be kind. Treat that person as a friend, because you want to be seen as their friend, rather than their enemy.

And it’s indeed difficult to maintain your calm and treat someone nicely (when they don’t really deserve it), but it’s worth the effort and it breaks the cycle of bullying. Why? Because the person will start seeing a positive vibe coming out of you, one that they can’t fight.

So, in the end, you will win over the situation; you won’t feed their negativity with more negativity; you will break the bullying cycle by being nice and kind.

Here’s an excerpt of one of his anti-bullying talks that shows how difficult is for a person to maintain the negativity when positivity is tossed in the interaction.

According To California’s National Institute of Mental Health, more than 18% of adults in America suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, which are characterized by excessive tension and worry that further lead to physical problems.  

But, did you know that every person has two brains?  

Well, actually and structurally we have one, but cognitively we do have two brans – one “thinking” and the other “unthinking.” And, somehow, we tend to first worry than think.  

Joseph LeDoix is a New York Scientist who said that “connections from the emotional systems to the cognitive (thinking) systems are stronger than connections from the cognitive systems to the emotional systems.” 

The ’emotional systems,’ according to Dr. LeDoix, are the limbic systems in the brain which are responsible for the brain’s emotional response. The limbic system consists of the amygdala and the hippocampus, which are among the oldest brain structures.  

The prefrontal cortex (the ‘thinking system’), on the other hand, is among the newest and this is probably why we are susceptible to make bad and stupid decisions no matter how intelligent we are.  

So, it is very important for us to learn how to overrule our emotional ‘worrying’ part of the brain and start to use our thinking brain more. Overwhelming and overstimulation usually equal bad decisions.  

How can we ‘overrule’ the limbic system?  

The truth is, even though we can overrule the limbic ‘worrying’ system of the brain, the process takes time and real effort.  

But, when we are finally able to do it, we can notice some amazing changes, such as: we’ll become less stressed and anxious, we’ll be more productive, and we’ll save money.  

So, here are 5 basic ways how you can do it according to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a Ph.D. and a Professor of Psychological and Brain Science at the University of Massachusetts.    

1. Start Examining Your Irrational Thoughts And Beliefs  

We all are guilty of having illogical beliefs and fears that are causing us to see threat where there is no threat involved. These thoughts are usually connected to our trying to live up to someone else’s expectations and worrying when we fall short. So, try to distinguish between your ‘perfect’ and your ‘actual’ self, find the perfect balance between those two, and you’ll notice an improvement.  

2. Set Your Feeling Aside When Faced With An Important Decision  

We all know that we can be tricked into doing something mostly when we are emotional. Trial lawyers know this. They know how gullible the human mind is in being governed by emotional arguments.

They use this emotional response of the brain to make the jury’s sympathy for the accused to outweigh their legal duty and liability. So, the more you are able to separate your feelings from your judgment, the more likely you’ll be to make a fair and a reasonable decision. 

3. Build Self-Confidence Through Self-Control  

 According to Dr. Susan, people gain confidence and are able to make good decisions when they feel that they have control over themselves and the situation. By beginning to control their problematic behaviors, they are more self-confident and thus more in control over their limbic systems.  

4. Learn How To Talk Your Way Through Your Feelings  

Cognitive-behavioral psychology offers a way for people to control their irrational thoughts with a simple technique. The technique involves substituting the negative feelings with positive or neutral ones.  

5. Get Support From Someone Who Can Help You  

When you feel emotional and overwhelmed, it’s best to ask someone close to you for guidance and insight. That person can be your ‘cortex’ because they are not involved emotionally in your situation, so they will help you to make a clear judgment.  

Most parents send their kids off to bed with a bedtime story, or by reading their favorite children’s book. And reading to your kids is very beneficial, as many studies have pointed to how much it can benefit their development.

As Neuroscientist Erin Clabough Ph.D. explains, reading to your child has become “the bare minimum a parent must do to ensure success.” However, there’s a catch to all of this. The thing is, many parents read to their children to make them sleepy, or because it will give them something to write about in their school reading logs.

And there are those times, as Clabough explains, when we can devote some more attention and where we’ll get into doing different character voices, expose them to the wondrous worlds of the books, or help them understand an important life lesson.

And while this may be a kind of start, you should be aware that there is so much more to books that can be useful than that. And the best way to achieve their full potential is, as Clabough puts it, to “stop reading to your children and start engaging them.”

It has been found that adults who read literary fiction can understand the mental states and empathize with others much better. This is because in such fiction, the reader can get a deep insight of the character’s feelings and inner thoughts and through this insight, they can fill in the gaps between the characters’ personality and their motivation and perspective.

This process simply strengthens the reader’s innate sense of empathy.

The main difference between adult literary fiction and children’s books is that the stories for children don’t contain such complexity in writing and nuance.

However, if approached correctly, “any book can be used to foster empathy and decision-making skills. Even terrible books,” explains Clabough.

And you can achieve this by allowing your kid to reflect upon the story and become involved in the story through making decisions. Simply put, making a pause in the story and asking your child what they would do if they were the hero of the story allows them to put themselves in the shoes of the characters and reflect.

“Reflection allows a child to actively practice making decisions, rather than passively listening to the book. That active practice results in synaptic changes and strengthening of neuronal pathways in your child,” says Clabough.

Which is more, this habit of allowing your child to imagine themselves in such situation and live through the experiences of the main character allows them to practice empathy, as empathy itself means putting yourself in the shoes of others.

And the benefits of enhancing your child’s empathy skills? Clabough says that people with empathy are more satisfied with life, have better relationships, become better bosses, coworkers, negotiators, and friends.

So, let your children choose their own adventure before you continue reading the story, and see how they think the problem can be solved.

She compares reading a book to your child without pausing for reflection as “plopping them down to watch a movie.”

“We’ve been sucked in by the plot, and we’re dying to know what happens. But we’re still on the outside, watching someone else make decisions,” explains Clabough. “The real magic happens inside our own heads when we try on someone else’s life.”

And the best time to help your children learn to make more decisions and become more empathetic? Right before bedtime, reading an engaging story and involving them in the plot.

Source: Psychology Today

Making your kid do their chores won’t mean that they will excel at the task and actually do a good job in most cases, but it’s worth the patience as it will help them grow into successful adults.

And it’s worth the effort indeed, considering that we all have our chores no matter our age. If you teach your children to do their chores from a young age, they will be able to learn to cope with these tasks when more difficult challenges come.

Which is more, learning to do your chores means learning to build a work ethic that will reflect later in your professional environment.

The Harvard Grant Study that has spanned over 75 years has identified that success is directly related to work ethic, and the best way to help your children develop it is through nurturing one important thing:

The ‘pitch-in’ mindset

In other words, the ability to pitch in the task and stay with it until you have finished it. And for children, as Julie Lythcott-Haims notes, this mindset can be nurtured by teaching them to take responsibility for their chores as soon as possible.

“Professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids … comes from having done chores as a kid,” she explains in her 20XX TED Talk.

“The earlier you started, the better,” as this kind of mindset will help your child to grasp the challenges in life as they come.  “[A] roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me … that that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.”

And this mindset can be learned through chores very easily. In the end, who wants to do them gladly? We just roll up our sleeves and say, “let’s do it,” because nobody else will. This is the mindset that will help your child conquer every obstacle that might occur in their adult life, and especially in their careers, where (we all know) that things can often get rough and tough.

And which is more, teaching your child to do these tasks will help them to cope with the upcoming challenges one by one instead of having to face them all at once when they start living on their own.

Of course, there’s a catch

If you think that your child will do an excellent job cleaning the floor, doing the dishes, or doing their laundry, you are in for some really big surprises. You will see some cute clumsy action and in the end, you will have to clean up yourself.

The point is not to hire your kids as your perfect helpers (although they will become ones soon enough), but to help them develop these habits gradually and learn to improve each time. And the main goal of it all (never forget) is nurturing in them the idea that there are some things that need to be done, and that they are in charge of these things right now.

As Lythcott-Haims says: “By making them do chores — taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry — they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It’s not just about me and what I need in this moment.”

Watch her TED talk on How to Raise Successful Kids – Without Overparenting below and don’t forget to spread the awareness!

Source: Inc.

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