What Is Emotional Abuse?

There is no single definition of emotional abuse since it can come in many forms. However, what all types of emotional abuse have in common is the attempt to control, manipulate, intimidate, or isolate another person by blaming, shaming, criticizing, punishing, or humiliating them.

When emotional abuse isn’t accompanied by physical, financial, or sexual abuse, it can be difficult to recognize. Some forms of emotional abuse are subtle, while other forms are apparent and manipulative. Regardless of the way emotional abuse is carried out, it can affect a person’s self-esteem and mental health.

People of any gender or age can be subjected to emotional abuse at any time in their lives. In addition, while this type of abuse commonly happens in romantic relationships, the abuser can also be your parent, caretaker, family member, friend, colleague, or business partner.

What’s An Example Of Emotional Abuse?

One of the most common forms of emotional abuse is verbal abuse. Unfortunately, some people are subjected to verbal abuse every day without even being aware of it because this type of abuse can be subtle. For example, words may be said in a quiet, friendly, or loving voice. They may even be disguised as a joke.

Overt verbal abuse, like lying, threatening, criticizing, belittling, name-calling, raging, and judging, is easier to identify. However, regardless of whether you are subjected to subtle or overt verbal abuse, both forms are hurtful and damaging since you can lose confidence in your abilities and start distrusting your own perceptions and feelings.

So, the question is: How do you know you’re a victim of verbal abuse?

Here are 7 signs that a friend, partner, family member, or colleague is verbally abusive:

• They shame you.

The abuser may make derogatory or sarcastic comments about your physical appearance, intelligence, or the way you talk to make you feel ashamed of who you are.

• They insult you.

Anytime someone applies rude names to you, it’s a form of direct verbal abuse. Sometimes the person verbally abusing you can be sarcastic and say rude things to you in a neutral voice to humiliate you and make you feel and look unworthy and inferior, which isn’t an acceptable treatment.

• They humiliate you in front of other people.

To hurt your feelings and make you feel inferior, the abuser may try to humiliate you in front of those who are close to you or people you don’t know. Being humiliating in public can be very painful.

• They make cruel jokes at your expense.

If you’ve ever been the butt of someone’s jokes, then you know what we’re talking about. To tease you, mock you, and ridicule you, the abuser may make jokes at your expense. They may try to do so, especially if they know your weaknesses.

• They threaten you.

Threatening is one of the most common forms of overt and direct verbal abuse. When a person threatens you, they’re trying to intimidate and control you. They can threaten you because you have something, such as a piece of information about something they need, or to make you act the way they want you to behave.

• They heavily criticize you.

We’re not referring to constructive criticism here. When the person verbally abusing you criticizes you privately or publicly, they don’t do this because they have good intentions. Instead, they criticize you for putting you down and making you feel inferior.

• They yell or swear at you.

To intimidate you as well as make you feel powerless and inferior to them, the abuser might yell or swear at you. When someone is treating you this way, make sure you let them know that’s rude and that you won’t tolerate such disrespectful behavior.

What Are The 7 Types Of Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse can take the following 7 most common forms:

1. Control

The person abusing you can try to maintain control over you in the following ways:

• Asking you about your whereabouts.

They may often call you or text you to ask where you are, who you are with, and what you’re doing. They might even appear at your school or work out of the blue to see if you really went there.

• Making all the decisions.

They might tell you who to make friends with or hang out with, what to eat, or what to wear. They might also demand that you cancel an appointment, leave school, or quit your job.

• Regularly point out your mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes, but when you’re dealing with an emotional abuser, after you make a mistake, they list all of the mistakes you made in the past. They point out all of your mistakes and failures and emphasize that they consider you inferior to them.

• Being unpredictable.

They can be kind and loving one moment and fly off the handle the next. You never know what version of them you’ll get.

• Threatening.

To get you to do what they want you to do, they may threaten your outright or utter their threats in a neutral voice. Whatever way they threaten you, their intention is to intimidate and manipulate you.

• Giving you direct orders.

They might act like they’re superior to you and expect you to behave as they tell you to without question. They might frequently tell you things like, “Delete your Facebook account,” “Either you finish this project, or you are fired,” or “Tell me what your account number is. We’re supposed to share everything.” 

• Stonewalling you.

During an argument, they might refuse to talk to you to overcome the problem.

• Frequently acting disappointed.

If you don’t keep your promise or do something they want you to, they might immediately get angry and start complaining about how inconsiderate and unreliable you are.

• Spying on you on social media.

They might insist that you tell them your Facebook or Instagram password or email, and they might frequently check your emails, messages, newsfeed, and internet history.

2. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that someone emotionally abusing you may use to make you question your reality and doubt your judgments and even sanity. They do this by claiming that certain fights, agreements, or events never happened. By manipulating the truth, their goal is to make you question your judgments and feelings and doubt your perception of reality.

3. Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is another form of emotional abuse where a person manipulates your feelings to make you act in a way that suits them or see things the way they do.

To manipulate your emotions, the abuser may act in the following ways:

• Pretending to be sad or disappointed if they want to make you behave in a way that suits their needs. 
• Withholding affection.
• Demanding that you stop hanging out with certain friends.
• Making direct or indirect threats.
• Acting loving and kind pressure you to do something they want you to do.
• Giving you the silent treatment if you refuse to do what they want you to do as a way to punish you.
• Showering you with compliments and words of praise when they want to get something from you.

4. Blaming 

Whenever the abuser is faced with a problem, makes a mistake, or fails to achieve a goal, they might lay the blame at your door. They might say, “If only you had been a more loyal friend/ a more loving parent/a better partner, my life would be amazing.”

5. Accusing

The person emotionally abusing you might accuse you of saying or doing things you’ve never said or done. For example, they might accuse you of cheating on them or flirting with other men/women or say something like, “You would spend more time with me if you really cared about me.”

Or when you complain about something they did that made you feel bad, they might accuse you of being too emotional or sensitive or overreacting.

6. Isolation

To make you more dependent on them, an emotionally abusive person will do everything in their power to isolate you from your loved ones. For instance, if they want to isolate you from your friends, they might talk behind their back and try to convince you that they’re bad and that they don’t deserve your attention and trust. They might also tell your friends that you don’t care about them or no longer want to see them.

7. Emotional Neglect

An emotionally abusive person will try to make you prioritize their feelings, desires, and needs over your own. To do that, they may use the following tactics:

• Invalidating you.

They might tell you directly or imply that your feelings, needs, desires, and boundaries have no meaning for them.

• Shutting down communication.

During a conversation, disagreement, or argument, they will deliberately look at another person or something else when talking to you or change the topic of discussion to make you feel unimportant or make the topic seem irrelevant.

• Withholding affection.

If you give them your promise that you’ll do something for them and you don’t fulfill it, or you complain to them about their behavior to punish you, they won’t hug you, kiss you, touch you, or have any intimate contact with you.

• Disregarding your feelings.

Regardless of how you feel, they might instantly disregard your feelings. For instance, if you’re sad, they might tell you: “You don’t have anything to feel sad about,” or if you’re angry about something, they might say, “You attach a lot of importance to it.”

• Denying support.

Don’t ever try to seek help for anything or emotional support from an emotionally abusive person because you’ll never get them. If you do that, they might call you weak or needy or tell you directly that it’s your problem and that you should deal with it yourself.

Emotional Abuse In Children

Emotional abuse in children is characterized by a pattern of behaviors that undermine a child’s self-worth and hinder their emotional development.

Emotionally abusive parents can show the following behaviors:

• Criticizing
• Name-calling
• Belittling
• Blaming
• Disregarding their child’s feelings, needs, and desires
• Threatening
• Withholding affection or support
• Giving their child the silent treatment

How Does Emotional Abuse In Childhood Affect You In Adulthood?

Your childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have a significant effect on who you become and how you behave later in life. This is especially important for individuals that have experienced emotional abuse in their childhood. (1)

Children who have experienced childhood emotional abuse are scarred for life. Although the pain wanes with time, the effects of childhood emotional abuse are crippling and spill over into adulthood. They affect the child’s emotions and actions. For some children, this means having low self-esteem and being introverted. For other children, it means having trouble building strong and happy relationships with others. (2)

How does emotional abuse affect adulthood?

Although not all forms of emotional abuse are easy to recognize, and some are even repressed or forgotten by the victim, individuals that have been emotionally abused in their childhood most probably share these 7 traits in their adulthood:

1. Lack of self-esteem.

If you think that you’re not good and smart enough, it’s very likely you were constantly told this all your childhood. You lack confidence in your abilities. You doubt your decisions and every move you make. You frequently feel the need to be validated by other people because you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. And you often try to prove yourself.

2. Introversion.

You often find yourself thinking that other people don’t deserve your loyalty and kindness. You’re always careful not to openly show your emotions and vulnerability to others because you’re afraid they might think you’re insecure, oversensitive, or clingy and that they’ll manipulate you. That’s why it’s hard for you to let other people into your life and trust them. You feel the safest when you’re on your own.

3. Bottled-up anger.

If you often lash out at people, go crazy when you face any form of injustice, find it very difficult to control your emotions, and feel constant anger that affects the way you think and behave, know that this is due to the anger you bottled up in yourself through the years. The anger inside you can burst out in the most unpleasant way and often in unexpected situations.

That’s why you need to learn how to control your unwanted emotions from your childhood and prevent them from interfering with your life now and in the future.

4. Conflict avoidance.

If you were a victim of emotional abuse as a child, you got used to your parents’ constant quarrels and shouting. This made you scared at the time and now any shouting, even the littlest arguments, triggers a painful memory from your childhood. Oftentimes, when you disagree with someone or want to complain about something, you don’t voice your opinions out of fear that they may fly off the handle. That’s why you do everything you can to avoid any kind of conflict or aggression.

5. Frequent apologies.

Having always been criticized and blamed for something in your childhood, you’re now always taking the blame for everything that happens. You often apologize to others for things that are not even your fault. For example, if you ask someone for something and they get annoyed, you immediately feel the need to say, “I’m sorry.” Or if someone doesn’t text you back, you think they’re mad at you for some reason, and you can’t wait to see them apologize.

6. Having difficulty making eye contact.

You often look away when you talk with other people. And when you try to establish eye contact, you start feeling uneasy and nervous. You also tend to get shy when you’re around other people and have difficulties expressing your opinions. You worry that others aren’t interested in hearing what you have to say or that they could laugh at you if you say something silly.

7. Having difficulty accepting compliments.

Of course, you don’t know how to accept and react to compliments when you spent your childhood with parents who constantly criticized and belittled you. You were made to feel like nothing you did was ever good enough. Your parents pointed out your mistakes and insecurities all the time and made you feel worthless. That negative image of yourself still lingers in your mind.

The INFJ personality type is one of the twelve personality types and is the rarest in the world, making up only 2% of the world population. The acronym INFJ stands for Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging, which makes these people possess a unique set of traits that even if they may seem to be contradicting, they actually complement each other.

It is hard to spot an INFJ person out in the open because they do not wish to expose themselves too much and always come with a reserve. However, if you are an INFJ or you know one, you will agree that INFJs are fiercely loyal, empathetic and organized, and always aim for causes greater than themselves. (1)

This makes INFJ exceptionally precious for this world, and although a rare snowflake, these people are the change this world needs.

INFJ Meaning

The INFJ personality type stands for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling Judging, and it’s also referred to in the literature as The Idealist, or The Advocate.

Why advocates and idealists? How does that come together? – you may think to yourself.

INFJ people feel like they cannot rest until they reach their ideals and definition of success, often leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion. On the other hand, they are warm conversationalists, protective of their family, sensitive to the environment and the people surrounding them, and whatever they do, they do it with the best intentions.

Precisely because they are sensitive and emotional and their thoughts are pure, they cannot cope well with criticism, even if it is constructive.

INFJ Personality

INFJs are one of the rarest personality types. They may be hard to comprehend at times because of their firm moral compass and strive to always do the right thing. Helping others is their fuel, their purpose in life.

INFJs have highly developed communicative skills and are usually good at expressing themselves. These people are very eloquent and born orators with a refined talent for public speaking and counseling. (2)

They are fierce, fair, and zealous leaders because they have a firm core values system. But even when they don’t take up that leadership spotlight, they are doing a great job behind the scenes.

They hate seeing other people suffer, and they hate injustice. In a way, we can say they are empaths because they understand pain and are willing to make that extra step – help, lend an ear, or give good-hearted advice.

INFJs are quite generous people and one of the reasons they are called advocates is because they are fierce in fighting against injustice and unfairness and the moment someone attacks their loved ones, they turn into hungry lions defending their friends and family.

The hardship of society troubles them and they have a vision to fix everything that’s rotten and subversive. INFJ people have colorful imagination, multi-layered creativity, and believe that karma exists. 

People with this personality type are somewhat of control freaks that tend to establish order in their lives through careful planning and meticulous organizing; they hate not knowing what’s awaiting them the next day, let alone the next month, which is why they like to be in control and plan everything in advance.

Adhering to a schedule gives them a sense of security and stability.

Though introverted by nature, INFJs are eternal dreamers of a better, brighter tomorrow, they are strong and enduring – like the connections they want to form with other people.

People with this type of personality enjoy helping others, but they also need time and space to recharge because they take up a lot of the energies and griefs of the world.

Evil, corrupted, conniving people, inequality, prejudice, criticism tend to frustrate and put them down, and they need time to channel their disappointment. Because their intentions are good, they find it hard to believe that bad people exist.

INFJ Relationships

It may take time for INFJ personality type of people to find a compatible partner because of their moral principles and beliefs, however, these people do not have unrealistic expectations, nor are they too picky, or hard to please.

Rather, they are simple and reasonable. It’s just that they are not willing to settle down for anyone if they are not absolutely certain it’s going to be the love of their life.

In romantic relationships, INFJs tend to give chances and forgive as long as they feel loved and appreciated.

INFJ Cognitive Functions

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) was created by Isabel Myers and her mother Katherine Briggs in the 1940s based on Carl Jung’s personality theory.

Jung believed that the ego represents the conscious mind comprising thoughts, memories, and emotions we ARE aware of and he came up with 4 personality types:

• Extraversion vs. introversion.
• Sensation vs. intuition.
• Thinking vs. feeling.
• Judging vs. perceiving.

Isabel and Katherine took the cognitive functions, i.e., the essentials that make up a personality type; did a little mix and match of their own, and ended up expanding Carl’s theory. It’s how these so-called ingredients combine and interact that create a personality type.

Nowadays, the MBTI is the leading personality type model widely used in the corporate world.

As for INFJs specifically, they tend to rely more on four primary cognitive functions:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition

• Internal insights and thinking are put to the fore
• Strong adherence to intuition
• Sharp and unyieldingly focus on personal dreams, visions, and goals.

Supplementary: Extraverted Feeling

• Awareness of what others are feeling; negligence of personal emotions and necessities
• Not knowing how to say no
• Not wanting to hurt others – doing everything to prevent others from getting hurt
• Understanding/Feeling other people’s pain and suffering.

Tertiary: Introverted Thinking

• Decision making based on emotions and personal insights
• Relying on emotions when making decisions, especially if it means pleasing other people (particularly true for stressful situations).

Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

• Paying attention to the world and the surrounding people; constant awareness and regard for how others may feel.
• Highly developed sense of empathy.

INFJ Strengths And Weaknesses

Strengths:

• Creative
• Insightful 
• Organized
• Principled 
• Ethical
• Honest
• Intuitive
• Dedicated
• Strong
• Passionate 
• Altruistic

Weaknesses:

• Perfectionistic 
• Sensitive to criticism 
• Reluctant to show emotions/open up
• Prone to burnout/frustration/disappointment

INFJ Characteristics:

1. A feeling of being “different” and lonely

And indeed, with the low number in which they appear among people, they are different, as their special set of traits is not something many are able to comprehend. This sense of being different makes them feel lonely, as they cannot associate fully with the people around them.

2. Radiating with a warmth that makes everyone around feel comfortable

Their strong empathy and intuitive character make people around them feel comfortable enough to disclose their greatest secrets and fears even if they have known them for only an hour. They are great listeners and they are true to their values, and you can see this by simply looking at their face. It is like they shine with a sense of security and understanding that seem to be lost in a world of fake people.

3. “Knowing” things as they are, without putting too much effort in it

INFJs have a strong intuition which allows them to simply “know” the things without any logical reasoning behind. Being also judging, they always analyze their intuitive messages, and this allows them to formulate a perception of the reality around them that many are unable to grasp even in part.

4. Understanding people on a super deep level

INFJs can scan you with a simple glance, and they will immediately know a lot of things about your personality. This makes them very tolerant to those who are fighting their demons, and they understand and forgive people’s mistakes like nobody else. They can trace the root of the behavior of others and they can see your traumas and insecurities. However, this ability also allows them to quickly dismiss fakes and manipulators.

5. Seeking truth and meaning in everything

These people cannot swallow statements because “they are like that.” They want to see how things connect and understand the truth that binds everything together. They are the masters of connecting the dots and they have their judging character, their intuition, their deeper understanding of the mind, and their empathy to thank for that.

It seems that these four characteristics allow them to fully connect the whole picture and all underlying elements to understand the genuine truth that stands behind everything.

6. They are loners

INFJs may be good at connecting with people, but this does not make them feel like they can be friends with everyone. In fact, they have a very small circle of people they can truly call friends. They value the meaning of friendship highly and if they are ready to call someone their friends, then they mean it for life. They like being surrounded with like-minded people, and this makes it very hard for them, as people who share their worldview are rare.

7. They have the strength to confront the crowd

Being introverts, INFJs like their solitude and their self-reflection. However, this does not make them shy away from crowds. They have the courage and the strength to confront any social situation, after which they will prefer to get back inside and recharge.

They are the type of people who prefer quiet and relaxed places to crowded and loud ones. They are eloquent and they will be able to charm thousands with their verbal abilities, but they will afterward prefer to stay away from mingling with that crowd as they are not fans of crowds.

8. Possessing high moral values and a feeling of a higher purpose

INFJs are people who set strong moral values and high standards that lead them through life. They live by the ideals of a better world and they believe that they are one of those who should try to make a change.

These high values come in all aspects of their lives, be it relationships, work, society, family, you name it, and they will uphold their beliefs to the maximum. If they see that any aspect of their lives makes them change those values, they do not think twice before disregarding it and leaving it to the dust.

9. They are visionaries and they can always see the big picture

You will never see an INFJ doing something without having it put as a part of a much greater plan. Not only do they function for a purpose they have set in their mind, but they can always predict the outcomes that a deed can produce.

They are fully aware of the big picture in every situation and you can never fool them if you have set your mind on something and you are hiding that goal from them. They will eventually trace your behavior and understand where you are going.

10. They are always there for those who need help

INFJs are ‘fixers’. When they see that someone is struggling, they will do everything in their power to help them out and set them on the right path, from where they can go on by themselves. However, some people, even though weak, tend to abuse this trait and try to toss their responsibilities on the INFJ.

One can say that this makes INFJs people pleasers, but the difference is that they focus so much on the deep nature of these people that they tend to justify their actions on the surface. When they notice the abuse, they leave the parasites for good.

11. They are very creative

INFJs are highly creative individuals and their hobbies are usually tied to some kind of creative work. Whether it is writing, drawing/painting, sculpting, composing, singing, you name it, an INFJ will always focus on doing something that will help them express their innermost feelings, thoughts, and their vivid perception of reality.

INFJ Empath

INDJs are highly attuned to the emotions of others, they are careful when entering a room of people; careful with their actions and words because hurting someone even unintentionally is one of their biggest dreads.

Perhaps not all INFJs are empaths, but surely, many are.

You may be wondering why of course.

Well, it’s rather obvious: they are both the THINKERS and the FEELERS of the universe. That makes them take everything into consideration before they do or say something.

INFJs absorb every single vibration, every intuition, every energy, and because of it, they need to be aware of burnouts and frustration.

If you are an INFJ yourself, dedicate some time to yourself and listen to your inner voice.

Just take a moment and breathe. Just breathe.

Listen to your heart. What does it tell you?

Do you need some rest? Do you need more time? Do you need a day off? Stop being so restless; stop thinking that you can do everything in one breath.

Yes, maybe you can, but you certainly don’t have to!

Recharge your batteries by doing… WHATEVER it takes to refresh your soul and come back as new and revitalized again!

Careers For INFJ

Scoring for an INFJ means you are a good leader, good at counseling or helping people get through tough times in a kind and supportive way, and it means you are empathetic and righteous.

Hence, doing a job that accentuates your qualities will really strengthen your life’s purpose (and we all know how much you love having one! :))

For INFJs the best career options would be:

1. Psychologist
2. Counselor
3. Professor
4. Writer
5. Lawyer
6. Recruiter (anything related to human resources)
7. Public speaker

INFJ Famous People

It is true that INJFs are rare gems, but you’ll be surprised to learn how many famous people actually have the INFJ personality type. Among the ones we sectioned out were:

• Martin Luther King
• Nelson Mandela
• Carl Jung
• Noam Chomsky
• Nathaniel Hawthorne
• Oprah Winfrey
• Nicole Kidman
• Taylor Swift
• Tom Selleck
• Jamie Foxx
• Adam Sandler
• Shirley Temple

INFJs are truly a rare snowflake and the world needs more of them. Their personality is a mix of wonderfully combined traits that allow them to live a life that many can look up to.

They are protective, honest, dedicated, and driven.

If you are an INFJ, stay wonderful, because the world is already a better place because of YOU.

Not sure if you are a true advocate at heart? Make an INFJ personality test, and learn to slow down your overflowing empath by focusing a bit… on YOU!!!