“People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way.” – Susan Newman

If you’re a people pleaser, then you know with what kind of issue we’re dealing here. One common characteristic that all people pleasers share is their strong desire to make others feel content, happy and good about themselves.

They disregard their own feelings in favor of those of other people so that they can please everyone around them. They try hard not to be the cause of someone’s disappointment,  sadness, irritation, anger, or hatred because for them, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring their own feelings.

They do anything within their power to make others like, respect and think highly of them – usually at their own loss.

And that’s their biggest problem. People pleasers tend to mistake pleasing people with being genuinely kind. There is nothing wrong with doing good deeds for others and wanting to make them happy. This shows your decency as well as your love and respect for the people you hold dear. Yet, pleasing others at the expense of sacrificing your own feelings, needs, desires, and happiness is definitely not going to bring you any good.

You have to set healthy boundaries so as to take care of your needs and desires. If you don’t love and respect yourself how can you expect others to love and respect you? And if you’re wondering how I know this stuff, let me tell you that I used to be a people pleaser myself.

I used to believe that if I was nice, modest, and friendly towards everyone, this would make people accept and like me. Even when I was in the company of people whose behavior was not that pleasant, I tried to stay patient and believed that if I treated them with kindness, they would change themselves.

I can’t tell how many times I said yes when what I really meant was no. I was afraid people would think I was selfish and get mad at me if I didn’t agree to do what was asked of me. So, I made their dissatisfaction, frustrations, and problems my own. I was afraid that if I did something that would make me look bad and irresponsible in front of them, they’d abandon me.

Abandonment – that’s the keyword. That’s the reason behind every people pleaser’s insecurities and fears. People pleasers fear conflict, abandonment, and loss. That’s why they’re more than willing to go out of their way to make others like them.

And I felt the same fear. I couldn’t imagine being disliked or disapproved of others. So, I tried to be the best friend, the best girlfriend, and the best colleague someone could ever have. And when someone was dissatisfied, or feeling down, or in search of someone they could take out their anger on, there I was, willing to be their crying shoulder. Their punching bag.  

While I was trying to fix their problems and make them feel better I lost a track of myself. I forgot to think of my feelings and needs. I forgot what my goals and priorities were. I failed to realize that no matter how hard I tried to help and make others happy, that was never going to be enough. There would always be someone who would find fault with me.

When you live your life trying to please others, comfort them, and solve their problems, you end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. You end up feeling confused and betrayed because after a while you realize that those whose needs and problems you made your priority only saw you as an option. As a convenience.

The truth is that genuine happiness, love, and satisfaction come from the inside. Your value and perception of who you are can’t be determined by the way others see and treat you. They’re within yourself, you just need to be willing to find them.

No one will respect you if you always put yourself second and don’t take care of yourself. No one will give you the acceptance and love you long for if you let them take you for granted and blame you for their misfortunes. No one will protect you if you don’t stand up for yourself.

You can’t be happy if you constantly take on other people’s dissatisfaction and problems as your own. You can’t feel loved if you let others disrespect your boundaries. You can’t feel respected if you let others get comfortable relying on your help and support and blame you for their dissatisfaction. You can’t feel content and fulfilled if you hurt yourself so as to make others happy.

You can’t feel genuine happiness if you allow other people’s approval of you to define your value.

You can’t allow other people’s ungratefulness and disrespect for you to change who you are. If they’re ungrateful and selfish, it’s their problem, not yours. You can’t expect to change people if they don’t want to do that for themselves. Let them handle their own problems themselves.

You need to take a closer look at your life and reevaluate your priorities. Once you do that, you’ll realize that it’s not other people you need to change – it’s you. You need to start thinking about your feelings, wants, desires, dreams, goals.

You need to make sure you’re surrounded by people who really want to make you happy and bring out the best in you.

You need to start pleasing yourself because that’s the only way you can get the love and respect you desire.

Be who you are and not who they want you to be. Because those who really deserve your attention, love, and respect will always accept and value you for who you are!

Gone Again, written by Doug Johnstone, is an excellent, fast-paced, and undoubtedly gripping thriller. Its harrowing yet moving and intimate story makes it a real page-turner. The author meticulously constructs the plot and shows us how fast an ordinary life can turn into an agony and nothing is ever the same again.

Its beauty and strength lie in its honesty and the portrayal of one family’s grief and trauma rather than an explosive chain of events. Two things that make the book compelling and touching and that will leave an everlasting impression on you are the themes of the strong connection between a father and his son and finding the strength and courage to endure the most dreadful personal hardship.

The book opens with Mark Douglas, a photographer for a local newspaper, taking pictures of a pod of whales stranded in the waters of Edinburgh’s Portobello Beach. As he’s trying to capture the perfect picture that would make the front page, the school principal calls him to break the news:“It’s just to say that no one has come to pick Nathan up from school, that’s all, and we were wondering if there was a problem of some kind.”

We learn that Mark’s wife, Lauren, hasn’t turned up to collect their five-year-old son Nathan from school, so now Mark has to do it. Calm at first, he picks up his son and takes him home.

Yet, as minutes turn to hours, Mark begins to worry about his wife. Questions, such as Where’s she now?, When will she come back? or Why isn’t she answering my phone calls,?  constantly overwhelm him while he’s struggling to satisfy Nathan’s curiosity about his mom’s disappearance. The fact that he and Lauren have a few connections with relatives and friends means that he’s left with only one option – to find her by himself.

And as the story goes on we learn that Mark’s wife has already vanished once before. That was during a bout of postnatal depression which makes him worry even more that her disappearance is connected to the fact that she’s expecting another baby.

The only person Mark can talk to is his mother-in-law, Ruth, but their relationship is pretty complicated. Namely, Lauren was sexually abused in her childhood by her father and when she reveals this to her mom, she accuses her of making things up and tells her that she must have brought that upon herself. Hearing that, Mark slaps Ruth and from that moment both Lauren and Mark break their relationship with her.

So, as nothing changes, Mark begins to feel she’s in danger and as the police don’t appear that concerned although they eventually start investigating the case, he decides to take things into his own hands. He can’t believe what he finds… and I’m sure you won’t believe it either.

The strong connection between a father and his son.

Mark and his son get closer and connect on a deeper level in Lauren’s absence. Mark tries to take care of him the best he can. And the fact that Nathan is one kind, sensible, and smart kid makes it a lot easier for Mark to take care of him.

And it’s not that Mark never shows any signs of impatience with his son, but considering how confused, worried, and desperate he feels due to his wife’s disappearance, he still manages to be a great dad. Even at one point when he loses his temper and slaps Nathan, it doesn’t take him long before he starts crying like a child and feeling remorse.

He tries to stay normal and ensure that Nathan doesn’t miss anything. So, he engages in communication with him about Star Wars and leaves a two-pound coin under Nathan’s pillow twice when he loses a tooth because he knows that makes him happy.

They understand each other without telling a word: “It had only been a day and Mark hadn’t told him anything. But the boy knew something. The same way Mark knew everything about Nathan, it worked both ways.”

There’re many situations in which Mark and Nathan can read each other’s minds, like when they play rock-paper-scissors, Mark knows what move his son is going to make next. “How could two people be so close? How could they have so much knowledge of each other?”

Mark is a doting, considerate, and patient father who is willing to go through all pain and suffering to protect his son. And when it comes to Nathan, he’s a lovely and well-mannered boy and how he copes with everything he and his father are going through is what will definitely take you by surprise. Oftentimes, he acts as if he’s a strong and brave adult rather than just a 5-year-old kid.

Mark himself is amazed by his boy’s resilience. He’s amazed at Nathan’s ability to endure whatever the world throws at him, not allowing it to break him. Whereas “he felt brittle in contrast, like an ancient tomb ready to crumble into dust at the slightest touch.”

One thing that can’t pass unnoticed in the book is that Nathan, too, is willing to do anything to protect his dad. When intruders enter their home and are about to kill Mark, Nathan shoots one of them because the love he feels for his father is stronger than any fear and pain in the world.

One more characteristic both father and son share is their unwavering hope. They never give up and support and comfort each other throughout all the difficulties. They’re also not afraid or ashamed to show their feelings openly in front of each other, be that happiness or sorrow. And the fact that Mark has sometimes no other choice but to treat his son like he’s an adult and talk to him about things that no kid should ever hear, let alone deal with, capture what being a parent is all about.

Finding the strength and courage to endure the most dreadful personal hardship.

In Mark Douglas, Johnstone has created a man who is real and resilient. Mark undergoes a set of difficult trials including the disappearance of his wife, rapprochement with his mother-in-law, witnessing his son shooting an intruder in their home, and dealing with the police that is suspicious of him.

There are moments when Mark is impatient, angry, and has fits of jealousy during his search for Lauren but this is completely understandable, considering the circumstances. He’s desperately trying to find his missing wife and has no one to help him.

“It was easier to be angry than sad. Wallowing in grief was what teenagers did.”  Mark is aware of this and does not let his sadness, fear, or anger affect the way he treats his son. He must act responsibly because he owes that to Nathan. His son, the light of his life, deserves the best.

We also learn that Mark didn’t get on well with his dad when he was younger. The birth of his son has made him realize how much he had taken his dad for granted, even worse because he was dead. He’s realized that his moody behavior and teenage stuff he did must have insulted and made sad his dad. So, it turns out that life has had a lot of challenges and fights in store for Mark to endure. But the most important fight he has to go through is to protect and keep his family together.

There are moments when Mark blames himself for what he and his son are going through although this is not true. How bad he feels can be seen in one dream he has in which he, Lauren, Nathan, and a pod of whales are swimming and as waves push him on to the beach, he tries to tell them not to follow him on to land where they’ll get stranded, but he can’t speak. So, “they nudged on in his wake, trusting him to look after them as he betrayed them and led them to their deaths on the sand.”

This compelling and touching story and the way the author weaves it into your head is definitely something that will hold your attention until the end.

Amid all the surrounding chaos, your home should be an oasis of tranquility, sheer bliss, safety, comfort, and positive energy. Yet, if it often feels gloomy, stale, uncomfortable, or even depressing, this means it’s time for you to remove the accumulated negative energy from your home that has built up over time.

Your home is like a sponge. Every part of it absorbs whatever happens in your environment. And this is how the negativity accumulates. It can be a result of negative thoughts, feelings, occurrences, and stress that you have experienced in your home. If you’re not sure whether or not there’s a negative energy in your home, you might want to take a look at the following signs:

1. Negative relationships.

If your home is full of low vibrations, they’ll most likely transfer to the people living there. This can create a lot of problems, impatience, and arguments within the relationships.

2. Constant complaints.

Complaints are just one way to vent negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and rage. But, if you and/or the members of your family are constantly complaining about everyone and everything, this can be a sign of negative energy in your home.

3. Clutter.

Maybe this sounds surprising to you, but being surrounded by heaps of objects makes you feel uncomfortable, passive, and tired. Physical clutter makes your home feel too cramped and takes the positive energy away from it.

Cleansing your home from negative vibrations and filling it with positive ones is essential for you so that you can manifest all your desires and goals. So, if you want to live life at the highest vibrations, make sure you remove negative energy from your home and yourself.  

Here are 10 easy ways you can do that:

1. Be grateful.

Gratitude brings you happiness and makes you feel satisfied with your life. And when you’re grateful, you’re open to new life-enriching experiences, to many miracles.  Try writing a list of the things you’re grateful for from time to time and you’ll see how this will fill you with positive energy, strength, and hope, especially on days when you’re down in the dumps.

2. Do the things you love more.

Whether it’s spending time with your family, friends, or partner, reading books, watching movies, listening to your favorite songs, going for a walk in nature, make sure you make time for it. Doing more of what you love will not only fill you with positive vibes, but it’ll also make you appreciate life more and feel genuinely happy.

3. Get rid of things that remind you of negativity from the past.

Many of us keep things from our past, be that photos, objects, gifts, and even feelings. But, if you keep an object that doesn’t make you feel happy and peaceful when you look at or hold it, don’t hesitate – throw it out. There’s no use in holding on to things that make you feel frustrated and stressed out. Get rid of stuff that fills you with bad energy and open yourself to new, positive, and life-enriching experiences.

4. Put up photos and things that remind you of the good times.

Looking at pictures and objects that bring back good memories to you will always make you feel comfortable, calm, and pleasant. Even some good quote prints can make you feel pleasant, better, and look on the bright side on days when you’re feeling down.

5. Make positive affirmations every day.

Saying positive things to yourself, such as “I’m strong, smart and I can succeed in anything I want” or “I’m worthy of respect and love” will fill you with positive vibes and make you have more confidence in and motivate yourself. As a result, it’ll be easier for you to pursue your goals and dreams. What you think and feel shapes your reality, so repeating such positive sentences to yourself every day will give you a more positive perception of who you are.

6. Meditate.

Meditation makes you vibrate at high frequency and as a result, you feel lighter, more peaceful, and joyful. It lowers your levels of stress, anger, anxiety, and even depression. So, make sure you set aside 10 to 15 minutes every day to practice meditation and fill yourself with positive vibes.

7. Remove clutter.

I’m not referring only to spring cleaning. You should practice this throughout the whole year. Having piles of countless, usually unnecessary, things all over the place makes your home looks messy, intense, and uncomfortable. After all, I believe you know how annoying it is when you have to trip over things or when you’re unable to find what you need because you’re surrounded by mess.

So, save yourself from feeling unnecessary stress and make your rooms look clearer, brighter, and bigger by cleaning up the clutter. Do that and you’ll see how relaxed you’ll feel afterward.

8. Let as much nature in as possible to your home.

Filling your home with houseplants will filter the negative energy. Make your home your own positive sanctuary away from the world by opening the windows more often as this will let in fresh air and light.

9. Use Himalayan salt lamps.

Himalayan salt lamps have a positive effect on your health. First of all, they purify and make the air smell nicely. Then they reduce coughing, asthma symptoms, and allergies and improve sleep. And last but not the least, the negative ions which are released by heating neutralize electromagnetic radiation that comes from home appliances.

10. Protect your home with crystals.

Crystals hold energies that can be transmitted into your home and you as well and certain crystals protect you from negative vibrations. Rose Quartz is one of the most well – known crystals and is said to replace negative feelings with positive ones. Black tourmaline absorbs negative energy from people and things as well. Moreover, if you place it near electronic devices, it will protect you from the harmful electromagnetic energy.

So, if there is a place in your home that feels negative or heavy, place a crystal and this will dissolve all the negativity. And don’t forget to cleanse your crystals from time to time of the negative energy they gather.

I’m no longer the naïve girl who used to let people take advantage of her. The girl who was always ready to comfort and support others when they needed her help.

I’m not the same girl who used to be kind to and please everyone. The girl who lost a track of herself while trying to make others feel loved, worthy, and happy. The girl that let others kill her self-respect.

I’m not the same girl who used to wait for people to reply to her messages. The girl who hoped that those who were supposed to love her would care about and ask her how she felt. The girl who allowed people unworthy of her love to take up so much space in her life.

I’m no longer the naïve girl who used to trust everyone. The girl who believed people were good and honest. The girl who couldn’t see how evil some can be and justified their selfishness.

I’m sick and tired of always looking for the good in people.

I’m not the same girl who let others lie to her and believed in their lies. The girl who played by other people’s rules. The girl who let others hurt her and waited for them to come back with an apology.

I’m not the same girl who let others treat her as a second option, as a favorite pastime. The girl who treated others with respect, kindness, and compassion although they deserved nothing of this. The girl who thought highly of people who had zero respect for her.

I’m no longer the same girl who used to wait desperately for others to see her pure soul. Her unselfishness. Her value.

I’m not the same girl who based her value on people’s perceptions of her.

I’m no longer the same girl who used to get excited when someone gave her a tiny piece of affection because she was satisfied with getting little.

I’ve been already lied to, betrayed, and hurt. I’ve already seen how someone can be so selfish and cruel. But, you know what? I don’t feel angry at myself for letting that happen because all this has shaped me into the person I’m today – strong, confident, brave, and determined.

I’m not going to be with someone who has mixed feelings for me and is only stringing me along. Someone who doesn’t respect me and appreciates my kindness, love, and sacrifice. Someone who sucks the happiness and energy out of me.

I will no longer give second chances to those who don’t deserve them. I’ll no longer let people get comfortable depending on my forgiveness. I’m not going to sacrifice my own happiness, success, and well-being so as to please and make others feel content and better about themselves.

I’m done putting others always first. I’m done making other people’s needs, wishes, and problems my priority. But, wait! I know many will say that I’m too self-confident and cold towards others, but this is not true.

I’m never going to let people down because that’s not my way of treating people. And just because I’m taking care of myself for the first time in my life, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad, self-centered person.

It’s time I put myself first for a change.

Now, I know who I am. I’ve realized my value and I know my standards. From now on, I’ll make sure everyone knows and respects my limits.

From now on, I’m going to put my needs, passions, and comfort first.

From now on, I’ll be more careful about who I let into my life because not everyone deserves to be a part of it.

I’ll no longer be quiet, submissive and let others walk all over me. I’ll stand up for myself because I know I’m strong. I’m stronger and more resilient than ever.

I’ll no longer be with a guy who doesn’t love and respect me like I deserve. I’ll no longer give my heart and soul to someone who isn’t willing to give me anything in return.

I’ll no longer allow toxic people, including family members and friends, take advantage of me. Because I’m worthy and I know what I deserve. I deserve to be loved and respected in the same way I love and respect others. And I’ll never settle for anything less than that.

mage:  Roberto Duran